my latest developments are that i am considering unitarian universalism as a means to understand purpose. i am learning about reincarnation and it's very interesting.
my level of interest and understanding of wisdom and knowledge doesn't fit into a compartmentalized box of religious thoery. i don't feel as though this will earn me a ticket to "hell", because if God is just and fair, He would understand my heart and my motives.
i think we have to reach some level of understanding or holiness before our mission is 'done'. hence reincarnation to complete what wasn't finished if you met an untimely death or didn't achieve your mission. i'm not sure what it all means yet. but it started with 1 john 4:7-8. "beloved, let us love one another. for love is from God and everyone who loves is born of God and loves God. he that doesn't love doesn't know God, for God is love."
literally. love IS "God", and God is love. Love is purpose. Love is the reason we are here and what we are here to do.
i think rather than a person in a past life, i was an animal. but i'm not sure. i just know i am uncomfortable with people and always identified more with animals. i prefer their company. and the outdoors. i hate social functions. i never feel as though i fit in - always a bit uneasy. ALWAYS. i am more comfortable with quiet beings, uneasy like me.
i have excellent balance, patience, can be alone for a very long time, need companionship as much as i hate it, love the arts and creativity and beauty, miss my childhood desperately, am uncomfortable in my adult body, uncomfortable with my adult responsibilities (to the point of wanting to have a meltdown about it), and need to feel a sense of secrecy and security. reclusiveness. i know dad is like me but i think i have learned to cope with it better than he has. yet i want my friends with me to be close to me. i love steph like a sister and am excited for her to fall in love and have kids. her life will come full circle and she will feel complete.
my personality makes my life difficult. my sheltered lonely upbringing does too. i hated the loneliness as much as i loved the solitude. chelsea was my very best freind. more than that - like a sister. a companion. she loved me so much and i loved her and no one understands how hard it is to lose a family pet that wonderful. it's like she was a sister that died. i cry about it to this day....10 years later. how is it that the happiest i could ever possibly feel in life would be to go back in time to when she was still here? i know it is what is preventing me from ever wanting another dog. one death was enough to bear.
i feel so out of place. but no one understands. i am the only person that can help myself. i know for a fact is that i cannot handle death of things near to my heart. i know that i need to have an outlet for creativity. i know that i need to have a home that is comforting and safe. i need to feel safe and not scrutinized. i need to care for those i love. i need to submerge myself in things i truly enjoy that give me happiness and to try new hobbies. i need to do my best to love the ones that i love.
i have learned that i am easily influenced by external things: tension and arguments, music, weather. that kind of concerns me... nothing feels better than meeting someone who 'gets' me. i need to learn to be okay with myself as i am. i need that to be enough. i also learned that i strongly believe in my first impression of things and that holding off before i make a final conclusion is best.
example: i was just sobbing about chelsea and feeling like i don't fit in anywhere, but put on rap and now i'm happy. gotta do some homework or something tonight. orrr not....might just read a book instead.
