it's about time i finally figure out my style. i have been trying for years now.
there are certain things i need to get rid of and never buy again:
black
warm tones
too big/small
trendy items
unflattering cuts
screen tees
my best colors:
neutrals - diamond white, navy blue, and charcoal gray
blue-ish reds, pinks, seafoam green, and blue
basics i need:
good jeans, a fitted blazer, cardigans, navy pumps, (shoes in general), and more shirts (no more camis or tank tops!)
accessories:
purses, jewelry (especially bracelets and necklaces), and scarves
my own style/theme:
classy + nature = leaves, feathers, flowers, semiprecious stones, pearls, etc. (but no animal print)....
i've got it! it reminds me of disney's Tarzan and the character Jane. she is from a rich, priviliged family but gets comfortable in the woods and with the animals. kind of that and a shipwrecked feel.
i always thought the nature thing translated to a hippy look, but that just isn't me. i'm more streamlined and classy i guess. i can't stand to look like a bum. i'm just not sunkissed or curvy.
the 50s were ultra glam and ultra feminine, which is a look i'd like to portray. just delicate, feminine, balanced, and earthy.
Wednesday, July 25, 2012
Tuesday, July 24, 2012
relationship
i'm reading a book called 'the proper care and feeding of husbands.' it really helps me reflect on my relationship and what has gone well and makes me reevaluate whether or not we 'need' counseling... or if it is just me.
i know for a fact that i take what i have for granted. when asked why i wanted to leave him last summer, all i could come up with is 'i don't feel connected with him. everything is okay but i just don't feel loved. we need a stronger friendship. we are just too different.'
i was ready to leave the man who does so much for me. the book says that women communicate verbal love, men communicate love via action. that being said, my man has done so many things over the years, always putting himself second to me.
despite my bratty, selfish behavior, he has bought me things, taken me out to dinner, flown me to CA and bought me tickets to disneyland, repaired things in my house, taken me to see my family without me asking, is putting so much money into a house for us, sends me money for clothes, bought me pretty earrings, makes me dinner, holds my hand, says 'i love you' in front of everyone, gives me kisses, etc.
all of this and i still present the same arguement, even when he says time and time again how he doesn't understand why i am unhappy after everything he does for me. i say stupid things, blaming my dissatisfaction on him potentially having ADD or him not being in touch enough with his emotions, blaming his upbringing. perhaps the only problem is with my expectations....
the book says that a big problem is that we want our men to not only be masculine, but be our best girlfriends. we are trying to make them into women. you can't have everything. the guy friends i've had and felt such a good connection with wouldn't make good life partners. my man has been there through so much. i have put him through so much shit. all he has ever done is love me. he has never cheated or done anything cruel.
he always informs me of what his plans are and even asks for my permission/approval.
what a wonderful person.
he loves when i do his laundry. he needs more signs of love via action. i need more signs of love via verbal communication. i need to value him just as much as he values me.
i know for a fact that i take what i have for granted. when asked why i wanted to leave him last summer, all i could come up with is 'i don't feel connected with him. everything is okay but i just don't feel loved. we need a stronger friendship. we are just too different.'
i was ready to leave the man who does so much for me. the book says that women communicate verbal love, men communicate love via action. that being said, my man has done so many things over the years, always putting himself second to me.
despite my bratty, selfish behavior, he has bought me things, taken me out to dinner, flown me to CA and bought me tickets to disneyland, repaired things in my house, taken me to see my family without me asking, is putting so much money into a house for us, sends me money for clothes, bought me pretty earrings, makes me dinner, holds my hand, says 'i love you' in front of everyone, gives me kisses, etc.
all of this and i still present the same arguement, even when he says time and time again how he doesn't understand why i am unhappy after everything he does for me. i say stupid things, blaming my dissatisfaction on him potentially having ADD or him not being in touch enough with his emotions, blaming his upbringing. perhaps the only problem is with my expectations....
the book says that a big problem is that we want our men to not only be masculine, but be our best girlfriends. we are trying to make them into women. you can't have everything. the guy friends i've had and felt such a good connection with wouldn't make good life partners. my man has been there through so much. i have put him through so much shit. all he has ever done is love me. he has never cheated or done anything cruel.
he always informs me of what his plans are and even asks for my permission/approval.
what a wonderful person.
he loves when i do his laundry. he needs more signs of love via action. i need more signs of love via verbal communication. i need to value him just as much as he values me.
Wednesday, July 18, 2012
Identity
who am i? am i this or that? this morning i almost got sucked into watching youtube vids about how to be a hooters girl, since they seem to have great social power. however, this flirty attitude and predictable appearance is to dumb oneself down and be a lesser being than a man.
think about it. if there were a restaurant where male waiters had to become lesser in order to impress women, that wouldn't last. why? because men have their pride and would feel embarrassed or ashamed to be employed with such work. and to belittle themselves to women? this just demonstrates that women truly aren't equals in our society.
if i desire attention and power as a female, i am to sexualize myself. every effort is to be put into my appearance - what i assume a man would approve of or desire. if i were to be my true self, however, that could be seen as threatening to a man. therefore, with our society's standards, i would be unappealing and lose the competition for power when compared to a man.
this got me into thinking about stereotypes. we want to look a certain way so we can identify with a certain group. we want to be accepted and to fit in. what happens when we don't fit in? most people will modify themselves in order to fit better with a group. youtube is full of tutorials teaching people how to look a certain way.
compare childhood with adulthood and teen years. as a kid, you identify yourself with your name. as a boy or a girl. an age and a grade, perhaps a favorite subject in school. favorite animal and color. favorite food. everything else is composed of things you enjoy: sports, hobbies, imagination, creativity. you don't make these things your identity, you just immerse yourself in them. you don't think about what others think. whether they approve or not.
then you become a teenager. suddenly other perceptions of you matter very much. you immediately try on different identities to see if they will make you acceptable to others or not. you push your own identity into a little corner of the closet, and proceed to make yourself miserable by trying out different roles in order to gain acceptance.
then comes adulthood. you start to see how similar people are, despite the differences. recognize the struggles that we all face. still unhappy though, still wanting acceptance. why is it so hard to find ourselves?
it's because we have spent so many years trying to deny ourselves. it is because we live in a society that only recognizes well-defined stereotypes. race, religion, music, school degree, clothing, sexuality.
i don't fit anywhere. i don't know if i am religious anymore, i enjoy holiday/disney/rap/classic rock/native american/pop music, love comedy/romantic/animated/nature movies, love to wear my bathrobe and pajamas, but also love to look classy and put together (despise looking frumpy, which is how everyone in my major dresses), care about my appearance (Env Ed people don't seem to), have issues with the concept of monogamy, hate religious tradition (esp. the wedding ceremony), don't ever want to be a parent, love any and all animals, am a minimalist yet a pack rat, hate social interaction but love connecting with people, feel uprooted and disconnected from my spiritual place (the home i grew up in), miss my dog every time i think about her, regret some of my past and fear it will come back to bite me, feel empathy for transexuals and transgendered individuals, rediscovered my passion for reading, i am selective with friends, committed to those i care about, distant from relatives, love my alone time, need to keep my 5 senses stimulated, fascinated with self-help and spirituality books, love learning about other cultures and anything that is "other", etc.
speaking of other, thank you to pharrell williams for starting this movement. i hope it gains momentum.
http://youtu.be/iGBnOZ43vJM
think about it. if there were a restaurant where male waiters had to become lesser in order to impress women, that wouldn't last. why? because men have their pride and would feel embarrassed or ashamed to be employed with such work. and to belittle themselves to women? this just demonstrates that women truly aren't equals in our society.
if i desire attention and power as a female, i am to sexualize myself. every effort is to be put into my appearance - what i assume a man would approve of or desire. if i were to be my true self, however, that could be seen as threatening to a man. therefore, with our society's standards, i would be unappealing and lose the competition for power when compared to a man.
this got me into thinking about stereotypes. we want to look a certain way so we can identify with a certain group. we want to be accepted and to fit in. what happens when we don't fit in? most people will modify themselves in order to fit better with a group. youtube is full of tutorials teaching people how to look a certain way.
compare childhood with adulthood and teen years. as a kid, you identify yourself with your name. as a boy or a girl. an age and a grade, perhaps a favorite subject in school. favorite animal and color. favorite food. everything else is composed of things you enjoy: sports, hobbies, imagination, creativity. you don't make these things your identity, you just immerse yourself in them. you don't think about what others think. whether they approve or not.
then you become a teenager. suddenly other perceptions of you matter very much. you immediately try on different identities to see if they will make you acceptable to others or not. you push your own identity into a little corner of the closet, and proceed to make yourself miserable by trying out different roles in order to gain acceptance.
then comes adulthood. you start to see how similar people are, despite the differences. recognize the struggles that we all face. still unhappy though, still wanting acceptance. why is it so hard to find ourselves?
it's because we have spent so many years trying to deny ourselves. it is because we live in a society that only recognizes well-defined stereotypes. race, religion, music, school degree, clothing, sexuality.
i don't fit anywhere. i don't know if i am religious anymore, i enjoy holiday/disney/rap/classic rock/native american/pop music, love comedy/romantic/animated/nature movies, love to wear my bathrobe and pajamas, but also love to look classy and put together (despise looking frumpy, which is how everyone in my major dresses), care about my appearance (Env Ed people don't seem to), have issues with the concept of monogamy, hate religious tradition (esp. the wedding ceremony), don't ever want to be a parent, love any and all animals, am a minimalist yet a pack rat, hate social interaction but love connecting with people, feel uprooted and disconnected from my spiritual place (the home i grew up in), miss my dog every time i think about her, regret some of my past and fear it will come back to bite me, feel empathy for transexuals and transgendered individuals, rediscovered my passion for reading, i am selective with friends, committed to those i care about, distant from relatives, love my alone time, need to keep my 5 senses stimulated, fascinated with self-help and spirituality books, love learning about other cultures and anything that is "other", etc.
speaking of other, thank you to pharrell williams for starting this movement. i hope it gains momentum.
http://youtu.be/iGBnOZ43vJM
Friday, July 13, 2012
This & That...mid summer musings
the internship is going pretty well. everyone seems to get along with the exception of one. other than that, it's lazy and perfect.
my roommate and i are becoming friends faster than either of us had anticipated. we have a lot in common when it comes to mental channeling.
neither of us consider ourselves christians anymore. she has moved away from it much more decisively than i have, but i don't connect with religion that well, never have. i have been doing a lot of self-help type of reading and i really enjoy it. i love reading so much, i never knew how much i had missed it.
i just finished Another Way to Be, and am starting on The Secret. it's interesting, not backed by evidence or facts very well but i'll give it a shot. the "secret" is nothing more than the law of attraction where like attracts like. good thoughts bring more good thoughts.
i am going to do my best to try this tomorrow. the book had a good point that if you wake up in a bad mood, it seems to follow you and cloud your thoughts all day. what you wish is what will be received. always word desires in the positive, never the negative. to think about what you don't want to happen is to word it in the negative, drawing in that bad feeling/circumstance that you wish to avoid.
tomorrow will go well, especially since nick will be supervising.
i also believe that enlightenment is necessary. i do love the BUF and its atmosphere. loved it. love that my roommate is so excited about it too, and that we both think this all happened at the perfect time.
i had a really good time with the guys today. i wish i had more encounters with guy friends growing up, i never really know how to act around them. they sure are more agreeable than most girls.
tomorrow will be fun.
next week i will need to read the nooksack information and learn salmon facts as best as i can. i also should get the powerpoint from kaitlyn. and get my $30. and see steph.
i feel ready for fall quarter. i am trying to enjoy my last summer in bellingham, although it isn't unfolding how i imagined it would. this is fine - i need things to wind down. i need to focus on making connections while i still have the time.
i hope melissa will get into UW's program! i would love to be a ferry ride away from her. i have wanted a good connection with a friendship like this for a long time. years. nothing feels as good as someone who just gets you without any extra effort.
everything is pretty wonderful. i believe this is the summer i'll look back on and savor. i want to continue my interactions with people similar to the way i do here. laid back and open. i need that in my relationship. egalitarian, open minded, relaxed enough to allow for each other to spend time with friends and not freak out about the separation. maybe that is why marriage terrifies me....you seem to become your spouse's crutch. you lose your identity and just become this team of subdued individuals. no more freedom or personal growth. they say your best friend can be your worst roommate...
somehow i feel he would hold marriage over my head. like "well, you are my wife now. you said your vows." i refuse to feel trapped.
i guess i won't know until after the transition happens. i am sorta dreading it. it's a lifestyle change. i love this lifestyle i live now. i fear that if i don't have like minded people around me, i'll fall back into old subordinated habits. i try so hard to make the relationship work that i subdue myself.
i think in the long run we will be okay. we've made it work this long and i know he truly does care about me. there is just a lot of work he'll have to do to get in touch with himself and be more open with me.
my roommate and i are becoming friends faster than either of us had anticipated. we have a lot in common when it comes to mental channeling.
neither of us consider ourselves christians anymore. she has moved away from it much more decisively than i have, but i don't connect with religion that well, never have. i have been doing a lot of self-help type of reading and i really enjoy it. i love reading so much, i never knew how much i had missed it.
i just finished Another Way to Be, and am starting on The Secret. it's interesting, not backed by evidence or facts very well but i'll give it a shot. the "secret" is nothing more than the law of attraction where like attracts like. good thoughts bring more good thoughts.
i am going to do my best to try this tomorrow. the book had a good point that if you wake up in a bad mood, it seems to follow you and cloud your thoughts all day. what you wish is what will be received. always word desires in the positive, never the negative. to think about what you don't want to happen is to word it in the negative, drawing in that bad feeling/circumstance that you wish to avoid.
tomorrow will go well, especially since nick will be supervising.
i also believe that enlightenment is necessary. i do love the BUF and its atmosphere. loved it. love that my roommate is so excited about it too, and that we both think this all happened at the perfect time.
i had a really good time with the guys today. i wish i had more encounters with guy friends growing up, i never really know how to act around them. they sure are more agreeable than most girls.
tomorrow will be fun.
next week i will need to read the nooksack information and learn salmon facts as best as i can. i also should get the powerpoint from kaitlyn. and get my $30. and see steph.
i feel ready for fall quarter. i am trying to enjoy my last summer in bellingham, although it isn't unfolding how i imagined it would. this is fine - i need things to wind down. i need to focus on making connections while i still have the time.
i hope melissa will get into UW's program! i would love to be a ferry ride away from her. i have wanted a good connection with a friendship like this for a long time. years. nothing feels as good as someone who just gets you without any extra effort.
everything is pretty wonderful. i believe this is the summer i'll look back on and savor. i want to continue my interactions with people similar to the way i do here. laid back and open. i need that in my relationship. egalitarian, open minded, relaxed enough to allow for each other to spend time with friends and not freak out about the separation. maybe that is why marriage terrifies me....you seem to become your spouse's crutch. you lose your identity and just become this team of subdued individuals. no more freedom or personal growth. they say your best friend can be your worst roommate...
somehow i feel he would hold marriage over my head. like "well, you are my wife now. you said your vows." i refuse to feel trapped.
i guess i won't know until after the transition happens. i am sorta dreading it. it's a lifestyle change. i love this lifestyle i live now. i fear that if i don't have like minded people around me, i'll fall back into old subordinated habits. i try so hard to make the relationship work that i subdue myself.
i think in the long run we will be okay. we've made it work this long and i know he truly does care about me. there is just a lot of work he'll have to do to get in touch with himself and be more open with me.
Thursday, June 28, 2012
my brain wants to run away
tomorrow is the first official day as an intern. i don't want to go, not at all. an unpaid internship...this shit i gotta do just to graduate. oh well, just gotta make it through then just 2 more classes to be done with college.
i feel very depressed. saw my babe for the last time before he leaves for cali until november. he was in a lot of pain when i saw him last, and now he is in the hospital getting his spine tapped to see if he has meningitis.
i can count my friends on one hand.
my happiest times have left completely - childhood and early adolescence. i try so hard to return to that time. i hate having an adult mind.
people seem to like me less than they used to. days are darker than they used to be. the world feels smaller and i can't shake the feeling that i am being watched. i can't make anyone 100% happy. can't speak my mind or be myself because i can't find anyone who understands.
i am always tired. always dragging. don't have any huge dreams to fulfill. want to crawl back into the coziness of childhood like a blanket fort, but i've outgrown it. the dimensions don't add up and the perspective is irreversibly changed. getting high helps sometimes but that is only temporary.
chelsea is gone. my house is gone. my imaginary world is gone. holidays as i remember them are gone. my comfort and ability to fully relax is gone. is this what my friends who constantly relocate feel? the problem is that newness doesn't satisfy - it frightens.
i feel so small....like i am still a kid in a young adult body. but not fully adult either. i just feel awkward, ugly, and uncomfortable. so uncomfortable.
i think i will pursue counseling. the only thing that makes me feel alright is weed and alcohol. there has to be another cure. i refuse to take antidepressants. i remember my doctor saying she thinks i have an issue with anxiety. i am always tired too...i just think i get exhausted from my own mind.
my introversion is really complicating my life. insecurities too. imaginary audience... i need help. i just feel like curling up and crying. living with obnoxious prying extroverts is killing me slowly.
i should write all this shit down and go in for help. gene thinks i have potential but i can't get past my anxieties and insecurities to pursue anything beyond what i have in front of me.
i need to make a list of how i was raised, how i acted as a child, my interactions, greater saddness over the loss of family pets than people, how i feel now, how hurt i was about the house being sold, how friendships are harder to maintain and i take it personal, prefer alone time, don't feel it is healthy, physical traits i don't like (playing into insecurities), current living situation, etc.
i feel very depressed. saw my babe for the last time before he leaves for cali until november. he was in a lot of pain when i saw him last, and now he is in the hospital getting his spine tapped to see if he has meningitis.
i can count my friends on one hand.
my happiest times have left completely - childhood and early adolescence. i try so hard to return to that time. i hate having an adult mind.
people seem to like me less than they used to. days are darker than they used to be. the world feels smaller and i can't shake the feeling that i am being watched. i can't make anyone 100% happy. can't speak my mind or be myself because i can't find anyone who understands.
i am always tired. always dragging. don't have any huge dreams to fulfill. want to crawl back into the coziness of childhood like a blanket fort, but i've outgrown it. the dimensions don't add up and the perspective is irreversibly changed. getting high helps sometimes but that is only temporary.
chelsea is gone. my house is gone. my imaginary world is gone. holidays as i remember them are gone. my comfort and ability to fully relax is gone. is this what my friends who constantly relocate feel? the problem is that newness doesn't satisfy - it frightens.
i feel so small....like i am still a kid in a young adult body. but not fully adult either. i just feel awkward, ugly, and uncomfortable. so uncomfortable.
i think i will pursue counseling. the only thing that makes me feel alright is weed and alcohol. there has to be another cure. i refuse to take antidepressants. i remember my doctor saying she thinks i have an issue with anxiety. i am always tired too...i just think i get exhausted from my own mind.
my introversion is really complicating my life. insecurities too. imaginary audience... i need help. i just feel like curling up and crying. living with obnoxious prying extroverts is killing me slowly.
i should write all this shit down and go in for help. gene thinks i have potential but i can't get past my anxieties and insecurities to pursue anything beyond what i have in front of me.
i need to make a list of how i was raised, how i acted as a child, my interactions, greater saddness over the loss of family pets than people, how i feel now, how hurt i was about the house being sold, how friendships are harder to maintain and i take it personal, prefer alone time, don't feel it is healthy, physical traits i don't like (playing into insecurities), current living situation, etc.
Saturday, May 26, 2012
why are we here?
my latest developments are that i am considering unitarian universalism as a means to understand purpose. i am learning about reincarnation and it's very interesting.
my level of interest and understanding of wisdom and knowledge doesn't fit into a compartmentalized box of religious thoery. i don't feel as though this will earn me a ticket to "hell", because if God is just and fair, He would understand my heart and my motives.
i think we have to reach some level of understanding or holiness before our mission is 'done'. hence reincarnation to complete what wasn't finished if you met an untimely death or didn't achieve your mission. i'm not sure what it all means yet. but it started with 1 john 4:7-8. "beloved, let us love one another. for love is from God and everyone who loves is born of God and loves God. he that doesn't love doesn't know God, for God is love."
literally. love IS "God", and God is love. Love is purpose. Love is the reason we are here and what we are here to do.
i think rather than a person in a past life, i was an animal. but i'm not sure. i just know i am uncomfortable with people and always identified more with animals. i prefer their company. and the outdoors. i hate social functions. i never feel as though i fit in - always a bit uneasy. ALWAYS. i am more comfortable with quiet beings, uneasy like me.
i have excellent balance, patience, can be alone for a very long time, need companionship as much as i hate it, love the arts and creativity and beauty, miss my childhood desperately, am uncomfortable in my adult body, uncomfortable with my adult responsibilities (to the point of wanting to have a meltdown about it), and need to feel a sense of secrecy and security. reclusiveness. i know dad is like me but i think i have learned to cope with it better than he has. yet i want my friends with me to be close to me. i love steph like a sister and am excited for her to fall in love and have kids. her life will come full circle and she will feel complete.
my personality makes my life difficult. my sheltered lonely upbringing does too. i hated the loneliness as much as i loved the solitude. chelsea was my very best freind. more than that - like a sister. a companion. she loved me so much and i loved her and no one understands how hard it is to lose a family pet that wonderful. it's like she was a sister that died. i cry about it to this day....10 years later. how is it that the happiest i could ever possibly feel in life would be to go back in time to when she was still here? i know it is what is preventing me from ever wanting another dog. one death was enough to bear.
i feel so out of place. but no one understands. i am the only person that can help myself. i know for a fact is that i cannot handle death of things near to my heart. i know that i need to have an outlet for creativity. i know that i need to have a home that is comforting and safe. i need to feel safe and not scrutinized. i need to care for those i love. i need to submerge myself in things i truly enjoy that give me happiness and to try new hobbies. i need to do my best to love the ones that i love.
i have learned that i am easily influenced by external things: tension and arguments, music, weather. that kind of concerns me... nothing feels better than meeting someone who 'gets' me. i need to learn to be okay with myself as i am. i need that to be enough. i also learned that i strongly believe in my first impression of things and that holding off before i make a final conclusion is best.
example: i was just sobbing about chelsea and feeling like i don't fit in anywhere, but put on rap and now i'm happy. gotta do some homework or something tonight. orrr not....might just read a book instead.
my level of interest and understanding of wisdom and knowledge doesn't fit into a compartmentalized box of religious thoery. i don't feel as though this will earn me a ticket to "hell", because if God is just and fair, He would understand my heart and my motives.
i think we have to reach some level of understanding or holiness before our mission is 'done'. hence reincarnation to complete what wasn't finished if you met an untimely death or didn't achieve your mission. i'm not sure what it all means yet. but it started with 1 john 4:7-8. "beloved, let us love one another. for love is from God and everyone who loves is born of God and loves God. he that doesn't love doesn't know God, for God is love."
literally. love IS "God", and God is love. Love is purpose. Love is the reason we are here and what we are here to do.
i think rather than a person in a past life, i was an animal. but i'm not sure. i just know i am uncomfortable with people and always identified more with animals. i prefer their company. and the outdoors. i hate social functions. i never feel as though i fit in - always a bit uneasy. ALWAYS. i am more comfortable with quiet beings, uneasy like me.
i have excellent balance, patience, can be alone for a very long time, need companionship as much as i hate it, love the arts and creativity and beauty, miss my childhood desperately, am uncomfortable in my adult body, uncomfortable with my adult responsibilities (to the point of wanting to have a meltdown about it), and need to feel a sense of secrecy and security. reclusiveness. i know dad is like me but i think i have learned to cope with it better than he has. yet i want my friends with me to be close to me. i love steph like a sister and am excited for her to fall in love and have kids. her life will come full circle and she will feel complete.
my personality makes my life difficult. my sheltered lonely upbringing does too. i hated the loneliness as much as i loved the solitude. chelsea was my very best freind. more than that - like a sister. a companion. she loved me so much and i loved her and no one understands how hard it is to lose a family pet that wonderful. it's like she was a sister that died. i cry about it to this day....10 years later. how is it that the happiest i could ever possibly feel in life would be to go back in time to when she was still here? i know it is what is preventing me from ever wanting another dog. one death was enough to bear.
i feel so out of place. but no one understands. i am the only person that can help myself. i know for a fact is that i cannot handle death of things near to my heart. i know that i need to have an outlet for creativity. i know that i need to have a home that is comforting and safe. i need to feel safe and not scrutinized. i need to care for those i love. i need to submerge myself in things i truly enjoy that give me happiness and to try new hobbies. i need to do my best to love the ones that i love.
i have learned that i am easily influenced by external things: tension and arguments, music, weather. that kind of concerns me... nothing feels better than meeting someone who 'gets' me. i need to learn to be okay with myself as i am. i need that to be enough. i also learned that i strongly believe in my first impression of things and that holding off before i make a final conclusion is best.
example: i was just sobbing about chelsea and feeling like i don't fit in anywhere, but put on rap and now i'm happy. gotta do some homework or something tonight. orrr not....might just read a book instead.
Monday, March 5, 2012
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