tomorrow is the first official day as an intern. i don't want to go, not at all. an unpaid internship...this shit i gotta do just to graduate. oh well, just gotta make it through then just 2 more classes to be done with college.
i feel very depressed. saw my babe for the last time before he leaves for cali until november. he was in a lot of pain when i saw him last, and now he is in the hospital getting his spine tapped to see if he has meningitis.
i can count my friends on one hand.
my happiest times have left completely - childhood and early adolescence. i try so hard to return to that time. i hate having an adult mind.
people seem to like me less than they used to. days are darker than they used to be. the world feels smaller and i can't shake the feeling that i am being watched. i can't make anyone 100% happy. can't speak my mind or be myself because i can't find anyone who understands.
i am always tired. always dragging. don't have any huge dreams to fulfill. want to crawl back into the coziness of childhood like a blanket fort, but i've outgrown it. the dimensions don't add up and the perspective is irreversibly changed. getting high helps sometimes but that is only temporary.
chelsea is gone. my house is gone. my imaginary world is gone. holidays as i remember them are gone. my comfort and ability to fully relax is gone. is this what my friends who constantly relocate feel? the problem is that newness doesn't satisfy - it frightens.
i feel so small....like i am still a kid in a young adult body. but not fully adult either. i just feel awkward, ugly, and uncomfortable. so uncomfortable.
i think i will pursue counseling. the only thing that makes me feel alright is weed and alcohol. there has to be another cure. i refuse to take antidepressants. i remember my doctor saying she thinks i have an issue with anxiety. i am always tired too...i just think i get exhausted from my own mind.
my introversion is really complicating my life. insecurities too. imaginary audience... i need help. i just feel like curling up and crying. living with obnoxious prying extroverts is killing me slowly.
i should write all this shit down and go in for help. gene thinks i have potential but i can't get past my anxieties and insecurities to pursue anything beyond what i have in front of me.
i need to make a list of how i was raised, how i acted as a child, my interactions, greater saddness over the loss of family pets than people, how i feel now, how hurt i was about the house being sold, how friendships are harder to maintain and i take it personal, prefer alone time, don't feel it is healthy, physical traits i don't like (playing into insecurities), current living situation, etc.
