1) cage dive with sharks
2) plant a garden
3) donate/volunteer with non-profits I care about
4) be a Big Sister
5) become fluent in Spanish
6) visit Costa Rica
7) buy clothes in Japan
8) raise puppies and kitties
9) help at least 1 kid get to college
10) learn to cook well
11) love myself and those close to me with all I can
12) visit Farm Sanctuary
13) choose to love others and emit joy daily
...to be continued
Wednesday, February 29, 2012
Friday, February 24, 2012
Secret Wedding cont.
Brainstorm for my attire:
Dress Colors: red, purple, blue, green, silver (with navy blue veil)
Veil Colors: white with a section of colored tulle OR ombre
red dress + black & white veil
(grayish) purple dress + silver, black & white
blue dress + blue (ombre) veil
green dress....likely not
silver dress + ombre blue (or purple...or green) veil
Dress Colors: red, purple, blue, green, silver (with navy blue veil)
Veil Colors: white with a section of colored tulle OR ombre
red dress + black & white veil
(grayish) purple dress + silver, black & white
blue dress + blue (ombre) veil
green dress....likely not
silver dress + ombre blue (or purple...or green) veil
Secret Wedding?
The man and I have been bouncing around the idea of having a secret courthouse wedding next winter...we would still have a "real" wedding when we have the money for it though, but we would just keep it a secret to try and avoid feelings being hurt. So far we only want one friend each to attent: Dustin and Steph.
Initially I was really hesitant about it, but I am warming up to the idea a lot. Especially now that I think I know what I'd wear. When we first thought of it, we were gonna do something goofy like a cat sweater theme....but honestly, I want to look beautiful, and tonight I came up with a new idea.
Since it'll be cold, I want to wear a long dress, maybe something sexy, but not indecent. I really REALLY want to have a colored veil to match the dress! I just thought about it tonight actually, and I haven't seen it done before. I'm about to go online and look.
SO EXCITED. Hopefully we can get some professional pics done cuz I kinda want to send them to different places to see if we can have our pics featured somewhere.
Hmm...but who is good with a camera that can keep a secret? Probably a professional and none of our friends that think they are photographers...
Initially I was really hesitant about it, but I am warming up to the idea a lot. Especially now that I think I know what I'd wear. When we first thought of it, we were gonna do something goofy like a cat sweater theme....but honestly, I want to look beautiful, and tonight I came up with a new idea.
Since it'll be cold, I want to wear a long dress, maybe something sexy, but not indecent. I really REALLY want to have a colored veil to match the dress! I just thought about it tonight actually, and I haven't seen it done before. I'm about to go online and look.
SO EXCITED. Hopefully we can get some professional pics done cuz I kinda want to send them to different places to see if we can have our pics featured somewhere.
Hmm...but who is good with a camera that can keep a secret? Probably a professional and none of our friends that think they are photographers...
Tuesday, February 7, 2012
Procrastinating
Today between classes I went to Buffalo Exchange and bought $45 for just 2 tops and earrings and a necklace. I haven't been doing well with money lately, but it feels so good. So does not doing homework.
I have a lot of clothes but I feel I need a whole new wardrobe. Something more earthy and bohemian and unique. I really want a lot of accessories like jewelry and scarves. AHH it's hard to have self control, but I have made it this far in life and succeeded - why stop now?
I am so over school. Three quarters left...and a lot to do between then and now. But I am happy and in love end excited about living a happy life. Love isn't always ideal, but it's secure and stable. Comparison is the theif of joy...or something like that.
But I am happy that lately I am a lot more successful with not being all mopey and depressed about former friendships. I'm glad they are done, and I am ready to focus on me. On being young and wild and free :)
I have a lot of clothes but I feel I need a whole new wardrobe. Something more earthy and bohemian and unique. I really want a lot of accessories like jewelry and scarves. AHH it's hard to have self control, but I have made it this far in life and succeeded - why stop now?
I am so over school. Three quarters left...and a lot to do between then and now. But I am happy and in love end excited about living a happy life. Love isn't always ideal, but it's secure and stable. Comparison is the theif of joy...or something like that.
But I am happy that lately I am a lot more successful with not being all mopey and depressed about former friendships. I'm glad they are done, and I am ready to focus on me. On being young and wild and free :)
Resolution
My mom always told me "to thy own self be true," quoting Shakespeare. I hated her advice growing up, but now I live by it more and more every day.
I told my man that I don't think a Catholic ceremony is right for us, and he got mad, saying that I am making it harder and harder for him to want to marry me. That is fine. I refuse to compromise my happiness like I did before. I believe what I believe and I don't what I don't. No excuses.
I have been obsessing over M.I.A. lately. I love her sense of style and individualism. It's really influential for me. So influential, in fact, that I am changing the way I put myself together. I have always dressed very plain and simple, and if I dress up it's too matchy-matchy and VERY boring. Very safe...and I finally realize that for me this isn't how I should present myself. It's understandable that I tend to go for things that don't grab attention, since I am a huge introvert.
However, my look implies that I follow guidelines and I conform, which I am recently learning that I don't ever want to do. It makes me look even more introverted and highlights my insecurity.
From now on, I am resolving to try and mismatch. I will buy fun prints that reflect what I like: nature, tribal influence, floral.... I only usually wear basic earrings if anything at all, but I want to wear necklaces with pendants and statement piece jewelry.
Nothing too big for my petite frame though....this will be fun :)
To mix prints, one should be bold and the other should incorporate a minimal color on the main print, so it's bold with mellow. A print can be used as the combining piece, if you wear two solid mismatched colors. Or, the prints can be balanced with neutrals. If you are wearing plain colors, use a bold color as the focal point. One print should be the focal point, unless you are combining 2 prints, but make sure they complement and don't compete. The print size should be about the same size if they are both sort of bold.
I also want to only buy from thrift/consignment/discount stores, such as TJ Maxx and Ross. I need to avoid the cookie cutter stores like those at the mall, unless I am buying small pieces from them, like accessories or basic layering stuff. As long as the hair and makeup is good, the outfit doesn't matter much. It seems like whenever I go out with friends that are wearing poorly-matched outfits, they are the ones that get the most compliments. It creates interest. It says something different.
This is crazy. I never ever thought I'd want to dress this way. Today I went to Labels and bought a pleather jacket (everyone needs one) and some pretty wood earrings with blue flowers painted on them.
I wore a mismatched outfit today and surprisingly felt a lot more confident than I usually do. I guess this is what I will be doing from now on.
My man better accept me as I am. I don't think this is a phase....I need to be me. 100%.
I told my man that I don't think a Catholic ceremony is right for us, and he got mad, saying that I am making it harder and harder for him to want to marry me. That is fine. I refuse to compromise my happiness like I did before. I believe what I believe and I don't what I don't. No excuses.
I have been obsessing over M.I.A. lately. I love her sense of style and individualism. It's really influential for me. So influential, in fact, that I am changing the way I put myself together. I have always dressed very plain and simple, and if I dress up it's too matchy-matchy and VERY boring. Very safe...and I finally realize that for me this isn't how I should present myself. It's understandable that I tend to go for things that don't grab attention, since I am a huge introvert.
However, my look implies that I follow guidelines and I conform, which I am recently learning that I don't ever want to do. It makes me look even more introverted and highlights my insecurity.
From now on, I am resolving to try and mismatch. I will buy fun prints that reflect what I like: nature, tribal influence, floral.... I only usually wear basic earrings if anything at all, but I want to wear necklaces with pendants and statement piece jewelry.
Nothing too big for my petite frame though....this will be fun :)
To mix prints, one should be bold and the other should incorporate a minimal color on the main print, so it's bold with mellow. A print can be used as the combining piece, if you wear two solid mismatched colors. Or, the prints can be balanced with neutrals. If you are wearing plain colors, use a bold color as the focal point. One print should be the focal point, unless you are combining 2 prints, but make sure they complement and don't compete. The print size should be about the same size if they are both sort of bold.
I also want to only buy from thrift/consignment/discount stores, such as TJ Maxx and Ross. I need to avoid the cookie cutter stores like those at the mall, unless I am buying small pieces from them, like accessories or basic layering stuff. As long as the hair and makeup is good, the outfit doesn't matter much. It seems like whenever I go out with friends that are wearing poorly-matched outfits, they are the ones that get the most compliments. It creates interest. It says something different.
This is crazy. I never ever thought I'd want to dress this way. Today I went to Labels and bought a pleather jacket (everyone needs one) and some pretty wood earrings with blue flowers painted on them.
I wore a mismatched outfit today and surprisingly felt a lot more confident than I usually do. I guess this is what I will be doing from now on.
My man better accept me as I am. I don't think this is a phase....I need to be me. 100%.
Saturday, February 4, 2012
Alcoholic
I drank every night this week. That might make me technically an alcoholic. How the hell else will I deal with my shitty life. It dawned on me today that I no longer have any legitimate friends. NONE. The ones I do have suck, and the ones that used to mean the most to me abandoned me. They no longer care about me even when I reach out to them.
My man thinks I am depressed and is starting to worry about me. That's unfortunate. I love sweet Merlot, sweet Reisling, Moscato, and Chardonnay. I prefer white wines. They are marvelous. Where has wine been all my life? Too bad it isn't very college-student-budget friendly.
I am so tired of dying my hair. It looks like fuckin shit. I know, huge shock there. I can't enjoy sex from my man. Can't say that I ever have gotten off....okay I have like 3 times in over 6 years. No one understands me at all or can relate to me. I want to drop out so badly. I fucking hate school. HATE IT.
I don't care about myself much anymore. Hygiene isn't as good as it was, I think I am ugly as hell, I don't look at my body in the mirror, rarely shave. My roommates are both bitches. Truly, Nichole is a bitch and I don't want to kiss ass anymore, but I get sucked into it somehow. I always assume a subordinate position and I feel like dying. I really want to die....or just be in a coma. Or never leave my room and cry forever. Nothing about me will ever be good enough.
I am always the ugliest one when we go out. Too skinny and too ugly. Too shy and stupid. Worthless. I don't have motivation or a job....or care about school. Every day is a failure. I try to cry but the tears almost never come anymore. It's like they know better than to waste themselves for the same shit, different day. I can't be the girlfriend he wants me to be. If he didn't want me, I don't think I would have anything to live for.
My mistakes make me not trust people. Make me hate people and know they are only trying to bring me down. To take advantage of me. Idk how my friend Steph makes it day to day as insane as her life has been and all the weight on her shoulders. Shame on me for thinking I have anything to complain about in comparison.
I just want someone to hold me and care about me and not expect anything from me. I wish I was 5 again. Life was so happy and exciting and had meaning back then. I think I am severely emotionally handicapped...maybe a bit autistic. I hate myself. I can't even look at myself....unless I am wearing a full face of makeup. I can't stand comparing myself to other people who are more successful....more happy. If I don't get a job with my man where he works, my life will whither away. It will have no meaning. It practically has none as it is. Why isn't there anyone who will hold me? Who will care? Why am I so alone and unloveable? Why do I have to be in a long distance relationship?
Why can't I feel complete and happy. Why has it felt that way for so long.
My man thinks I am depressed and is starting to worry about me. That's unfortunate. I love sweet Merlot, sweet Reisling, Moscato, and Chardonnay. I prefer white wines. They are marvelous. Where has wine been all my life? Too bad it isn't very college-student-budget friendly.
I am so tired of dying my hair. It looks like fuckin shit. I know, huge shock there. I can't enjoy sex from my man. Can't say that I ever have gotten off....okay I have like 3 times in over 6 years. No one understands me at all or can relate to me. I want to drop out so badly. I fucking hate school. HATE IT.
I don't care about myself much anymore. Hygiene isn't as good as it was, I think I am ugly as hell, I don't look at my body in the mirror, rarely shave. My roommates are both bitches. Truly, Nichole is a bitch and I don't want to kiss ass anymore, but I get sucked into it somehow. I always assume a subordinate position and I feel like dying. I really want to die....or just be in a coma. Or never leave my room and cry forever. Nothing about me will ever be good enough.
I am always the ugliest one when we go out. Too skinny and too ugly. Too shy and stupid. Worthless. I don't have motivation or a job....or care about school. Every day is a failure. I try to cry but the tears almost never come anymore. It's like they know better than to waste themselves for the same shit, different day. I can't be the girlfriend he wants me to be. If he didn't want me, I don't think I would have anything to live for.
My mistakes make me not trust people. Make me hate people and know they are only trying to bring me down. To take advantage of me. Idk how my friend Steph makes it day to day as insane as her life has been and all the weight on her shoulders. Shame on me for thinking I have anything to complain about in comparison.
I just want someone to hold me and care about me and not expect anything from me. I wish I was 5 again. Life was so happy and exciting and had meaning back then. I think I am severely emotionally handicapped...maybe a bit autistic. I hate myself. I can't even look at myself....unless I am wearing a full face of makeup. I can't stand comparing myself to other people who are more successful....more happy. If I don't get a job with my man where he works, my life will whither away. It will have no meaning. It practically has none as it is. Why isn't there anyone who will hold me? Who will care? Why am I so alone and unloveable? Why do I have to be in a long distance relationship?
Why can't I feel complete and happy. Why has it felt that way for so long.
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