Alcoholic

I drank every night this week. That might make me technically an alcoholic. How the hell else will I deal with my shitty life. It dawned on me today that I no longer have any legitimate friends. NONE. The ones I do have suck, and the ones that used to mean the most to me abandoned me. They no longer care about me even when I reach out to them.

My man thinks I am depressed and is starting to worry about me. That's unfortunate. I love sweet Merlot, sweet Reisling, Moscato, and Chardonnay. I prefer white wines. They are marvelous. Where has wine been all my life? Too bad it isn't very college-student-budget friendly.

I am so tired of dying my hair. It looks like fuckin shit. I know, huge shock there. I can't enjoy sex from my man. Can't say that I ever have gotten off....okay I have like 3 times in over 6 years. No one understands me at all or can relate to me. I want to drop out so badly. I fucking hate school. HATE IT.
I don't care about myself much anymore. Hygiene isn't as good as it was, I think I am ugly as hell, I don't look at my body in the mirror, rarely shave. My roommates are both bitches. Truly, Nichole is a bitch and I don't want to kiss ass anymore, but I get sucked into it somehow. I always assume a subordinate position and I feel like dying. I really want to die....or just be in a coma. Or never leave my room and cry forever. Nothing about me will ever be good enough.

I am always the ugliest one when we go out. Too skinny and too ugly. Too shy and stupid. Worthless. I don't have motivation or a job....or care about school. Every day is a failure. I try to cry but the tears almost never come anymore. It's like they know better than to waste themselves for the same shit, different day. I can't be the girlfriend he wants me to be. If he didn't want me, I don't think I would have anything to live for.

My mistakes make me not trust people. Make me hate people and know they are only trying to bring me down. To take advantage of me. Idk how my friend Steph makes it day to day as insane as her life has been and all the weight on her shoulders. Shame on me for thinking I have anything to complain about in comparison.

I just want someone to hold me and care about me and not expect anything from me. I wish I was 5 again. Life was so happy and exciting and had meaning back then. I think I am severely emotionally handicapped...maybe a bit autistic. I hate myself. I can't even look at myself....unless I am wearing a full face of makeup. I can't stand comparing myself to other people who are more successful....more happy. If I don't get a job with my man where he works, my life will whither away. It will have no meaning. It practically has none as it is. Why isn't there anyone who will hold me? Who will care? Why am I so alone and unloveable? Why do I have to be in a long distance relationship?

Why can't I feel complete and happy. Why has it felt that way for so long.