I hate fucking everything. fucking fuck fuck fuck i just tried posting a fucking blog and it erased itself. i hate school. i hate being behind. i hate dealing with people. i hate everything. i hate school. i hate my major!!!!! it's the fucking worst. it's not for me at all.
i just want to lay down and cry for 4 hours but that won't make me feel any better. i hate everything. i am so fucking upset. i am so insignificant and ignored and ugly and no ones gives a damn. even my man...he is too busy for me lately. if he died the only people that would give a damn about me are my parents. my friends are not there for me.
why do i have to face the world every day? i thought it was easier to overcome introvertedness with time but apparently i was mistaken. i hate everything. i might as well quit college and become a stripper after i get my boobs done. that'd pay off way quicker. all i want are real friends...and to be happy. and to find motivation.
Sunday, January 29, 2012
Saturday, January 28, 2012
What needs to be done
I keep reading about how there will be no such thing as retirement by 2036. It makes me feel petty for wanting cosmetic procedures. I must finish school with a good GPA. I really need to try to get hired at the shipyard. Nothing will be more stable than a government job, especially related to national security.
I need to give it my best because life is a competition. Especially when there are too many people in the world that all have needs. I need to look into what the shipyard wants and how I can meet those requirements. I also need to figure out when they have job fairs, and to learn how to use multiple programs on a computer. It may seem like a hassle but it's very important that I do so.
I need to remember my priorities above all: food water shelter. I would like to grow vegetables and have DJ hunt for deer. I'm not so worried about water...and we need to have a home and choose wisely so it won't lose any value over time. We will both be sterilized I think. I can't bear the thought of bringing a child into this messed up crazy world.
Some days I feel really alone, but at the same time I feel like I am trapped or impatient for solitude if I spend time with friends. I feel like former close friends like Lauren and Christen have all but abandoned me and don't really care about me anymore. I feel like no one wants to be my friend anymore. I know that's not the case but sometimes the feeling is very hard to shake. I feel like everything and everyone is slipping away from me, like sand through my fingers.
The think I am grateful for the most is that I didn't lose my man during a time when I believed we weren't "meant to be". Even when things were at their worst, I didn't understand how I could ever want to get rid of the person that treated me the best and did everything for me, and loved me beyond my flaws. I want to be his forever. "Everybody's changing, there's no one left that's real..."
What does it take to have a reliable, trustworthy friend these days?!? I am offended that Lauren is bff's with Hillary now. I am offended that Nichole goes in her room and closes the door when I am out here wanting some company. I am offended that none of my friends check in on me. My heart feels broken...I want the sleepovers and movie nights. I guess the older you get, the more your life takes on its own unique direction. I feel alone but all I want is solitude. I am such a hypocrite. I often wish to be a child again, to be happy and carefree and imaginative again. To have my dog and cat be alive again. To be back in that other world...a world that has passed. But is it gone forever? Is it something that can be recreated? To feel more in touch with a magical spiritual world. I never felt alone then...well, I guess I did. That is why I had imaginary friends. I guess I am still in need of them now too. I need Ana...but she needs another name....another face.
Some know her as Karma, but she is more often called BreBre or Breezy. She is sweet and creative and calm. She is here to remind me that what actions I take now will determine my future. The effort I put into my relationship will determine how satisfied I will be with it. The effort I put into my schoolwork will determine how satisfied I will be with it. The moisturizer I put on today will prevent the wrinkles tomorrow. Looking ahead for job opportunities will prepare me for the transition into a secure work force. She advised me to look into surgeons to know who will give me the best results. She is telling me to go out tonight with Steph so that our friendship will be stronger. She knows that I am stubborn and focus too much on petty things, like what I want to buy to improve my appearance, even though I am too lazy to dress nicely.
She is telling me that I am wasting time. But she is here for me, reminding me that Ana was a bad friend. One that was stuck up and just pretended to have my best interests at heart. She wants to give me advice and to console me, to help lead me into being happier and successful. She is gonna help me now, telling me that she looks just like I did when I was younger. She is me as a child, with long scraggly golden brown hair and big blue eyes. She wants me to be able to recreate a place similar to the home we grew up in...a place where one can lose a sense of time and play pretend all day. In order to reach that goal, I have to make some smart decisions right now.
She is able to understand my adult perspectives, but still sees the world through a child's eyes. She wants us to have pets to be our siblings. She wants to play dress up and make believe and climb trees and look for bugs. She agrees that my man is very handsome. I see BreBre as another person, but when I am doing everything right, she is in me and I see through her eyes. I've kept RattleCat for her, and for me.
Time to go, BreBre wants to help me figure out a lesson plan for 6th graders that they'll really like, then we will get ready to spend time with Steph.
(Call me crazy, but for now it feels right).
I need to give it my best because life is a competition. Especially when there are too many people in the world that all have needs. I need to look into what the shipyard wants and how I can meet those requirements. I also need to figure out when they have job fairs, and to learn how to use multiple programs on a computer. It may seem like a hassle but it's very important that I do so.
I need to remember my priorities above all: food water shelter. I would like to grow vegetables and have DJ hunt for deer. I'm not so worried about water...and we need to have a home and choose wisely so it won't lose any value over time. We will both be sterilized I think. I can't bear the thought of bringing a child into this messed up crazy world.
Some days I feel really alone, but at the same time I feel like I am trapped or impatient for solitude if I spend time with friends. I feel like former close friends like Lauren and Christen have all but abandoned me and don't really care about me anymore. I feel like no one wants to be my friend anymore. I know that's not the case but sometimes the feeling is very hard to shake. I feel like everything and everyone is slipping away from me, like sand through my fingers.
The think I am grateful for the most is that I didn't lose my man during a time when I believed we weren't "meant to be". Even when things were at their worst, I didn't understand how I could ever want to get rid of the person that treated me the best and did everything for me, and loved me beyond my flaws. I want to be his forever. "Everybody's changing, there's no one left that's real..."
What does it take to have a reliable, trustworthy friend these days?!? I am offended that Lauren is bff's with Hillary now. I am offended that Nichole goes in her room and closes the door when I am out here wanting some company. I am offended that none of my friends check in on me. My heart feels broken...I want the sleepovers and movie nights. I guess the older you get, the more your life takes on its own unique direction. I feel alone but all I want is solitude. I am such a hypocrite. I often wish to be a child again, to be happy and carefree and imaginative again. To have my dog and cat be alive again. To be back in that other world...a world that has passed. But is it gone forever? Is it something that can be recreated? To feel more in touch with a magical spiritual world. I never felt alone then...well, I guess I did. That is why I had imaginary friends. I guess I am still in need of them now too. I need Ana...but she needs another name....another face.
Some know her as Karma, but she is more often called BreBre or Breezy. She is sweet and creative and calm. She is here to remind me that what actions I take now will determine my future. The effort I put into my relationship will determine how satisfied I will be with it. The effort I put into my schoolwork will determine how satisfied I will be with it. The moisturizer I put on today will prevent the wrinkles tomorrow. Looking ahead for job opportunities will prepare me for the transition into a secure work force. She advised me to look into surgeons to know who will give me the best results. She is telling me to go out tonight with Steph so that our friendship will be stronger. She knows that I am stubborn and focus too much on petty things, like what I want to buy to improve my appearance, even though I am too lazy to dress nicely.
She is telling me that I am wasting time. But she is here for me, reminding me that Ana was a bad friend. One that was stuck up and just pretended to have my best interests at heart. She wants to give me advice and to console me, to help lead me into being happier and successful. She is gonna help me now, telling me that she looks just like I did when I was younger. She is me as a child, with long scraggly golden brown hair and big blue eyes. She wants me to be able to recreate a place similar to the home we grew up in...a place where one can lose a sense of time and play pretend all day. In order to reach that goal, I have to make some smart decisions right now.
She is able to understand my adult perspectives, but still sees the world through a child's eyes. She wants us to have pets to be our siblings. She wants to play dress up and make believe and climb trees and look for bugs. She agrees that my man is very handsome. I see BreBre as another person, but when I am doing everything right, she is in me and I see through her eyes. I've kept RattleCat for her, and for me.
Time to go, BreBre wants to help me figure out a lesson plan for 6th graders that they'll really like, then we will get ready to spend time with Steph.
(Call me crazy, but for now it feels right).
Friday, January 27, 2012
Dying young
I know a girl that graduated with my man, and she has been battling cancer for the past two years. Just today I found out that the doctor told the mom that it has become terminal, and the girl decided to move home to spend the rest of her time with family. I don't know her very well but she had such a great laugh and was so sweet. I hope I can see her before she goes...everyone keeps saying they are praying for a miracle, but I figure God already knows what He wants, so it seems pointless to me to pray for a specific outcome.
This will be (unless things improve) the second funeral I will go to for someone from high school...from my man's class. It's incredibly sad. Sometimes I feel almost guilty for being healthy and living without much appreciation. It makes me really look at my own life differently and see that there is so much I have to be thankful for. I need to stop complaining and take each day as a gift and be thankful for my health. I am going to flourish, not just live. I am going to be the best I can be, and love with as much openness and honesty as I can. I want to improve the lives of those I meet. I want my man to feel as complete and loved as possible.
I am against religion but believe in God and in Jesus. Does that instantly buy me a ticket to hell? I hope not. It seems irrational. And how can Christians ignore nature? Is that not where we connect with God? Interacting with His handiwork and the gifts he gave to us, to be responsible for it? I belive that greed is the root of all evil. Sacrifice is the ultimate good. They are polar opposites. Greed is not kind and doesn't care for anyone else. Sacrifice gives everything away for the benefit of another. I feel the presence of a higher being when I'm in nature, but seldom in church. That is how it has always been...does that make me evil?
All I know for now is that the future looks beautiful, and I am ready to settle down. I don't think my opinions regarding having children will ever change, but I am not afraid of getting married anymore. I've got nesting syndrome. I'm mellowing out and it feels right, not rushed like before. I'm 22, still a baby I think, but my brain is reaching the end of its maturing phase. I've still got a few more years left for that though. I am just to a point where I feel like I will be genuinely happy no matter the outcome. I need to just make sure that I am always pursuing what is beautiful and what makes me feel like myself.
I can't believe how much love I had in front of me all those years but didn't really see it. I'm glad he stuck around long enough for my mind to mature and for me to show him the love he truly deserves. I will never go and fuck things up ever again. But then sometimes I wonder if that's what it truly took for me to realize how lucky I am and that there isn't anything else I need...that it was all in my head.
Regardless, I am forever thankful to be where I am today, and it may not have turned out this way if everything in the past hadn't happened. That doesn't excuse it at all, but I can't keep beating myself up over it. I need to move on and focus on my relationship and making it the best it can be, and on myself as well.
A lot of times it feels like I am supposed to know exactly what I want right now, but life is a journey and your views on yourself and on life change the whole time you are living...it might take certain experiences to lead you to a new realization. I have received so much, it's really time that I give, and give my all.
I'm not afraid anymore to do so.
This will be (unless things improve) the second funeral I will go to for someone from high school...from my man's class. It's incredibly sad. Sometimes I feel almost guilty for being healthy and living without much appreciation. It makes me really look at my own life differently and see that there is so much I have to be thankful for. I need to stop complaining and take each day as a gift and be thankful for my health. I am going to flourish, not just live. I am going to be the best I can be, and love with as much openness and honesty as I can. I want to improve the lives of those I meet. I want my man to feel as complete and loved as possible.
I am against religion but believe in God and in Jesus. Does that instantly buy me a ticket to hell? I hope not. It seems irrational. And how can Christians ignore nature? Is that not where we connect with God? Interacting with His handiwork and the gifts he gave to us, to be responsible for it? I belive that greed is the root of all evil. Sacrifice is the ultimate good. They are polar opposites. Greed is not kind and doesn't care for anyone else. Sacrifice gives everything away for the benefit of another. I feel the presence of a higher being when I'm in nature, but seldom in church. That is how it has always been...does that make me evil?
All I know for now is that the future looks beautiful, and I am ready to settle down. I don't think my opinions regarding having children will ever change, but I am not afraid of getting married anymore. I've got nesting syndrome. I'm mellowing out and it feels right, not rushed like before. I'm 22, still a baby I think, but my brain is reaching the end of its maturing phase. I've still got a few more years left for that though. I am just to a point where I feel like I will be genuinely happy no matter the outcome. I need to just make sure that I am always pursuing what is beautiful and what makes me feel like myself.
I can't believe how much love I had in front of me all those years but didn't really see it. I'm glad he stuck around long enough for my mind to mature and for me to show him the love he truly deserves. I will never go and fuck things up ever again. But then sometimes I wonder if that's what it truly took for me to realize how lucky I am and that there isn't anything else I need...that it was all in my head.
Regardless, I am forever thankful to be where I am today, and it may not have turned out this way if everything in the past hadn't happened. That doesn't excuse it at all, but I can't keep beating myself up over it. I need to move on and focus on my relationship and making it the best it can be, and on myself as well.
A lot of times it feels like I am supposed to know exactly what I want right now, but life is a journey and your views on yourself and on life change the whole time you are living...it might take certain experiences to lead you to a new realization. I have received so much, it's really time that I give, and give my all.
I'm not afraid anymore to do so.
Coulda Woulda Shoulda?
Today one of my friends said that she wishes she could redo high school. Sometimes I feel the same way. I was very antisocial (sort of like I am now) and part of me wishes I had been a cheerleader. I know that ultimately that's not at all what I would have wanted. The girls that were on the team were superficial stuck up bitches. But I do like their outfits and warm ups and the clean white shoes. They look so put together and pretty.
But you know, I'm a work in progress. I can't look the way I want to overnight. This is all gonna take time: correct the hair color, grow my layers and bangs out, buy flattering clothes, laser hair removal, get a nose job, get a boob job... that's the order. It will probably all take 4 years or so...honestly, that's gonna go by fast. And eventually I will get a job so I'll be able to afford the clothes I want. I also need to learn how to style my hair and I need to buy real makeup brushes. I want to be a trophy, not just for him but for me. I've always wanted to be the pretty girl...shit, who hasn't? I won't be a mean one though. I want people to like me.
Right now I am a 34AA/A, depending on the brand. I would love to be a 34C. I want my implants to not be too big, because I want all my clothes to fit me and not have to buy larger sizes just to accommodate my boobs, because I don't have enough ass or hips to be a medium. I might need to start tanning too, since my skin is translucent and you can see all my veins. I hate the veins in my hands, legs, and the large one on my right boob. Unfortunately, implants will stretch it out and make that more noticable. I am so excited to have enough tit mass to make cleavage.
When we get a home, I want to get into gardening and landscaping. I want to grow vegetables and berries and flowers for our bees and the butterflies. I want to grow herbs and I want something beautiful to grow every season...especially during the sad winter months. I want there to be places outside to stop and read a book, or to take a nap. I want little fairy gardens. I want it to feel magical. We will have rain barrels and compost. I would love to hire a master gardener or a landscape person to help me with the layout of the land and what type of soils I need and what plants will grow here. There will be a bird bath and bird feeders. We might have a greenhouse.
The front of the house will have mostly decorative plants and grassy open areas if DJ wants to play football or something, or if the kids want to come over and run around. I would like the back yard to be more intimate though. I would love to have lots of flowers with a strong fragrance, like lilac and hyacinth. Roses too. And wisteria...I love climbing plants. And kiwi for shade. The bird feeders will be far away from the berries so they won't eat them all. Nasturtiums are lovely plants as well, and edible. I want hops for climbing plants and for homemade beer :)
It will all come together so nicely. It will be a learning experience, probably have a lot of setbacks and unintended results, but it will be great to have our own place. I am starting to evolve my Environmental Ed philosophy and my general philosophy on life: humans need beauty. We seek beauty and crave it, and perceive it in all sorts of ways. I need a home surrounded by natural beauty. I need it to be beautiful all year round.
I live in an 8b growing zone, apparently...or will. That means the coldest the temp will drop is from 15-20 degrees F. My state tree is the Western Hemlock and the flower is the Coastal Rhododendron. I want to plant a lot of native things that are adapted to the soil, because they require little to no fertilizer. Broccoli should be grown indoors for a couple of months before being transplanted outside b/c it takes time to get established. They should be in the ground 2 weeks before the last frost. Around this time, also plant early potatoes, carrots, beets and chard. In mid-March, plant lettuce, peas, spinach, and onions. The last frost date in early/mid April, plant tomatoes, eggplant, squash and corn.
It is very important for a garden to have good drainage, especially where there is a lot of rain. Roses, beans, peppers, basil, and cucumbers also grow well in the 8b growing zone.
I really hope he gets those books in the mail soon, and that he'll enjoy them. I would love for us to start reading together. Although I don't like kids much, I think it would be nice if our place could be a sort of sanctuary for the kids when they need a place to balance themselves out. It can be a place for them to hang out. I would like some sort of greenhouse/gardenhouse with a few comfy couches and a chandelier and some electricity for running heat or a fan and some light if they wanted to read a book. I want 3 chickens too. No more, no less. I don't want too many b/c I don't want to be overrun with eggs, but I don't want them to be lonely. I don't think I could raise them for food...killing them would be too hard.
I'm looking forward to moving on with my life. The college scene is starting to bore me...the weed alters my reality and turns me into someone else. The alcohol makes my head fuzzy and leaves me stuck in bed the next day. The partying is just for show and it leaves me feeling emptier than I was before. The all nighters cramming for exams and scrambling to finish papers wreak havoc on my body and mind. I want something more tangible and something that is more me.
I want to get back into art again. Photography, hiking, doing crafts, reading, bubble baths, movies, spending quality time with my friends and my family. I'm gonna learn how to cook. I would love to take dance lessons...and art ones too. I'm getting tired of being everything I'm not...reminds me of the Kanye song that says "everything I'm not made me everything I am". What a beautiful quote. It didn't used to make sense to me but now it does.
At the end of the day, all we want is to be happy, and what could replace your unique interests and talents? We want to submerge ourselves in what we like, but we try to hard to put on a show that we lose ourselves and wonder why we sometimes cry in the shower or right before we go to sleep.
I am making 2012 about finding myself and what makes me happy; about seeing past illusions. It seems like such an easy thing to do but it really isn't. One day at a time.
But you know, I'm a work in progress. I can't look the way I want to overnight. This is all gonna take time: correct the hair color, grow my layers and bangs out, buy flattering clothes, laser hair removal, get a nose job, get a boob job... that's the order. It will probably all take 4 years or so...honestly, that's gonna go by fast. And eventually I will get a job so I'll be able to afford the clothes I want. I also need to learn how to style my hair and I need to buy real makeup brushes. I want to be a trophy, not just for him but for me. I've always wanted to be the pretty girl...shit, who hasn't? I won't be a mean one though. I want people to like me.
Right now I am a 34AA/A, depending on the brand. I would love to be a 34C. I want my implants to not be too big, because I want all my clothes to fit me and not have to buy larger sizes just to accommodate my boobs, because I don't have enough ass or hips to be a medium. I might need to start tanning too, since my skin is translucent and you can see all my veins. I hate the veins in my hands, legs, and the large one on my right boob. Unfortunately, implants will stretch it out and make that more noticable. I am so excited to have enough tit mass to make cleavage.
When we get a home, I want to get into gardening and landscaping. I want to grow vegetables and berries and flowers for our bees and the butterflies. I want to grow herbs and I want something beautiful to grow every season...especially during the sad winter months. I want there to be places outside to stop and read a book, or to take a nap. I want little fairy gardens. I want it to feel magical. We will have rain barrels and compost. I would love to hire a master gardener or a landscape person to help me with the layout of the land and what type of soils I need and what plants will grow here. There will be a bird bath and bird feeders. We might have a greenhouse.
The front of the house will have mostly decorative plants and grassy open areas if DJ wants to play football or something, or if the kids want to come over and run around. I would like the back yard to be more intimate though. I would love to have lots of flowers with a strong fragrance, like lilac and hyacinth. Roses too. And wisteria...I love climbing plants. And kiwi for shade. The bird feeders will be far away from the berries so they won't eat them all. Nasturtiums are lovely plants as well, and edible. I want hops for climbing plants and for homemade beer :)
It will all come together so nicely. It will be a learning experience, probably have a lot of setbacks and unintended results, but it will be great to have our own place. I am starting to evolve my Environmental Ed philosophy and my general philosophy on life: humans need beauty. We seek beauty and crave it, and perceive it in all sorts of ways. I need a home surrounded by natural beauty. I need it to be beautiful all year round.
I live in an 8b growing zone, apparently...or will. That means the coldest the temp will drop is from 15-20 degrees F. My state tree is the Western Hemlock and the flower is the Coastal Rhododendron. I want to plant a lot of native things that are adapted to the soil, because they require little to no fertilizer. Broccoli should be grown indoors for a couple of months before being transplanted outside b/c it takes time to get established. They should be in the ground 2 weeks before the last frost. Around this time, also plant early potatoes, carrots, beets and chard. In mid-March, plant lettuce, peas, spinach, and onions. The last frost date in early/mid April, plant tomatoes, eggplant, squash and corn.
It is very important for a garden to have good drainage, especially where there is a lot of rain. Roses, beans, peppers, basil, and cucumbers also grow well in the 8b growing zone.
I really hope he gets those books in the mail soon, and that he'll enjoy them. I would love for us to start reading together. Although I don't like kids much, I think it would be nice if our place could be a sort of sanctuary for the kids when they need a place to balance themselves out. It can be a place for them to hang out. I would like some sort of greenhouse/gardenhouse with a few comfy couches and a chandelier and some electricity for running heat or a fan and some light if they wanted to read a book. I want 3 chickens too. No more, no less. I don't want too many b/c I don't want to be overrun with eggs, but I don't want them to be lonely. I don't think I could raise them for food...killing them would be too hard.
I'm looking forward to moving on with my life. The college scene is starting to bore me...the weed alters my reality and turns me into someone else. The alcohol makes my head fuzzy and leaves me stuck in bed the next day. The partying is just for show and it leaves me feeling emptier than I was before. The all nighters cramming for exams and scrambling to finish papers wreak havoc on my body and mind. I want something more tangible and something that is more me.
I want to get back into art again. Photography, hiking, doing crafts, reading, bubble baths, movies, spending quality time with my friends and my family. I'm gonna learn how to cook. I would love to take dance lessons...and art ones too. I'm getting tired of being everything I'm not...reminds me of the Kanye song that says "everything I'm not made me everything I am". What a beautiful quote. It didn't used to make sense to me but now it does.
At the end of the day, all we want is to be happy, and what could replace your unique interests and talents? We want to submerge ourselves in what we like, but we try to hard to put on a show that we lose ourselves and wonder why we sometimes cry in the shower or right before we go to sleep.
I am making 2012 about finding myself and what makes me happy; about seeing past illusions. It seems like such an easy thing to do but it really isn't. One day at a time.
Tuesday, January 24, 2012
Aging Gracefully
I read an article today about Vera Wang, who is 62. This is shocking...she looks 20 years younger. I'm sure she has had some expensive treatments done to help defy wrinkles and gravity, but I think she looks amazing:
I hope to always look good. I'm happy that I don't abuse my skin in the sun. A lot of girls my age have crows feet. One of my roommates is less than a month older than me but she looks at least 7 years older. I am nowhere close to being a pageant princess... I actually find myself to be fairly unattractive. But I think with time things are looking better. I'd rather it went this way because a lot of the beauties in high school already had their peak and are on the decline. Graduation was only 4 years ago too! In my case, I'm not concerned. Nothing a little plastic surgery can't fix.
Today was a rough day. Hormonal and sleep deprived...I was angry and antisocial and insecure. And I will be pulling another all nighter doing 2 essays due tomorrow. This shit is killing me. Sometimes I drive myself crazy and the voice narrating in my head is obnoxious. I'm not very comfortable in my own skin yet and it's like I'm stuck with an uninvited mental roommate. That roommate was a lot quieter and easygoing when I was a kid. Now she's borderline crazy. Telling me I can be lazy, constantly reminding me of things I don't want to remember, comparing me to other people, and forming assumptions and conclusions based on whatever mood I'm in at the moment.
When I was younger and played outside alone, I never felt lonely. I felt like there was another bigger presence, a deeper meaning. I was looking toward the future with so many hopes and dreams and questions. It's as if back then I was reaching out and calling to my future self, trying to make sense of things. And here I am as an adult, desperately searching in all the wrong places to find that place of comfort and security and timelessness. Escaping time. That was and is my pursuit. I feel so empty inside like I lost what I once was, who I once was. I miss me. I miss the way I viewed the world and myself before I got so damn critical of everything. I miss love and hope and fascination and companionship and freedom. Is this why I condemn children? Because I am jealous of them and heartbroken that I cannot age backwards and be back in that world they are presently in?
I need to be like Wendy. I love her outlook on life and how easily she transitions into make believe worlds. The wrinkles on her face don't match up with her spirit. She is so wise but so open to learning something new and taking on a different perspective every day. Time is cruel, as well as adulthood. The way the world works. I don't want to learn more. I don't want to advance in cognitive development. Sometimes I feel like I am going crazy, the way I mourn the passing of my childhood...how it slipped away from me like a breath of air.
I feel so small and afraid of facing every day. Maybe there's something wrong with me...but aren't we all made to believe that? Have feelings of inadequacy to constantly second guess ourselves? I just want to hide and don't want anyone to look at me. Strange, in a way, how I want plastic surgery to improve my looks when I can't stand the feeling of a stranger's eyes scanning my appearance.
I have a lot on my mind....as well as a lot of stress. I wish someone else could be inside my world and that it wasn't just that solo mental roommate. Feeling alone and misunderstood is one of the most painful things you can feel. I keep wishing I would find that friend but it seems to be nothing more than a wish. My man loves me and we are good for each other, but we are so different and he has a hard time experiencing the world as I do, which is fine. But I always want a deeper level of understanding from him. Discontentment. That is what I (and other adults) experience daily.
Time to go and shower...I have less than 8 hours to do a 6 page essay. It will be done and work out fine. I just need to do the damn thing and after all my classes tomorrow, I can sleep until the next day. What a blessing that we have the chance to revive ourselves and that the Universe grants us the mercy to do so.
I hope to always look good. I'm happy that I don't abuse my skin in the sun. A lot of girls my age have crows feet. One of my roommates is less than a month older than me but she looks at least 7 years older. I am nowhere close to being a pageant princess... I actually find myself to be fairly unattractive. But I think with time things are looking better. I'd rather it went this way because a lot of the beauties in high school already had their peak and are on the decline. Graduation was only 4 years ago too! In my case, I'm not concerned. Nothing a little plastic surgery can't fix.
Today was a rough day. Hormonal and sleep deprived...I was angry and antisocial and insecure. And I will be pulling another all nighter doing 2 essays due tomorrow. This shit is killing me. Sometimes I drive myself crazy and the voice narrating in my head is obnoxious. I'm not very comfortable in my own skin yet and it's like I'm stuck with an uninvited mental roommate. That roommate was a lot quieter and easygoing when I was a kid. Now she's borderline crazy. Telling me I can be lazy, constantly reminding me of things I don't want to remember, comparing me to other people, and forming assumptions and conclusions based on whatever mood I'm in at the moment.
When I was younger and played outside alone, I never felt lonely. I felt like there was another bigger presence, a deeper meaning. I was looking toward the future with so many hopes and dreams and questions. It's as if back then I was reaching out and calling to my future self, trying to make sense of things. And here I am as an adult, desperately searching in all the wrong places to find that place of comfort and security and timelessness. Escaping time. That was and is my pursuit. I feel so empty inside like I lost what I once was, who I once was. I miss me. I miss the way I viewed the world and myself before I got so damn critical of everything. I miss love and hope and fascination and companionship and freedom. Is this why I condemn children? Because I am jealous of them and heartbroken that I cannot age backwards and be back in that world they are presently in?
I need to be like Wendy. I love her outlook on life and how easily she transitions into make believe worlds. The wrinkles on her face don't match up with her spirit. She is so wise but so open to learning something new and taking on a different perspective every day. Time is cruel, as well as adulthood. The way the world works. I don't want to learn more. I don't want to advance in cognitive development. Sometimes I feel like I am going crazy, the way I mourn the passing of my childhood...how it slipped away from me like a breath of air.
I feel so small and afraid of facing every day. Maybe there's something wrong with me...but aren't we all made to believe that? Have feelings of inadequacy to constantly second guess ourselves? I just want to hide and don't want anyone to look at me. Strange, in a way, how I want plastic surgery to improve my looks when I can't stand the feeling of a stranger's eyes scanning my appearance.
I have a lot on my mind....as well as a lot of stress. I wish someone else could be inside my world and that it wasn't just that solo mental roommate. Feeling alone and misunderstood is one of the most painful things you can feel. I keep wishing I would find that friend but it seems to be nothing more than a wish. My man loves me and we are good for each other, but we are so different and he has a hard time experiencing the world as I do, which is fine. But I always want a deeper level of understanding from him. Discontentment. That is what I (and other adults) experience daily.
Time to go and shower...I have less than 8 hours to do a 6 page essay. It will be done and work out fine. I just need to do the damn thing and after all my classes tomorrow, I can sleep until the next day. What a blessing that we have the chance to revive ourselves and that the Universe grants us the mercy to do so.
Monday, January 23, 2012
Hair Salons
Oh fuck...dying hair the right way is so expensive. Here are my findings:
Studio 910 Salon: Correctional color starts at $95 and is $55 each additional hour!!! But they seem to have their shit together.
Plum Studio: partial foil with color starts at $85, correctional color?
Styles Day Spa and Salon: correctional by appt. only, 1 process color + highlights is $110+
Well hell, I guess I'm gonna have to start calling around and get estimates so I will know how much I need to save up. It is gonna be shitty growing my roots out....nothing looks trashier. Maybe I can call mom and get some sympathy $. At least I will have some $ from selling clothes to consignment shops, but that won't add up to much. Maybe instead of DJ buying me chocolates, he can give me the $ he would have spent on Sees. If I can tolerate the roots for a month or possibly two, I should be able to afford the hair correction. Who knows what all that entails. I hope they don't try to strip the color b/c I don't want my hair to be chemically fried.
Studio 910 Salon: Correctional color starts at $95 and is $55 each additional hour!!! But they seem to have their shit together.
Plum Studio: partial foil with color starts at $85, correctional color?
Styles Day Spa and Salon: correctional by appt. only, 1 process color + highlights is $110+
Well hell, I guess I'm gonna have to start calling around and get estimates so I will know how much I need to save up. It is gonna be shitty growing my roots out....nothing looks trashier. Maybe I can call mom and get some sympathy $. At least I will have some $ from selling clothes to consignment shops, but that won't add up to much. Maybe instead of DJ buying me chocolates, he can give me the $ he would have spent on Sees. If I can tolerate the roots for a month or possibly two, I should be able to afford the hair correction. Who knows what all that entails. I hope they don't try to strip the color b/c I don't want my hair to be chemically fried.
Sunday, January 22, 2012
Hooters?
In a couple of years when I get a boob job, I want to get a Hooters shirt. I was on their website today and found an entire section dedicated to how to look like a Hooters girl. This is what they said (mostly paraphrased):
Hair: hair should be styled as if you were going out on a really fancy date. Get your hair trimmed every other month. Color should be natural and suit your skin tone. It should always be styled but not with excessive products. Thin hair should be volumized, as well as long hair. If you have a low hairline, part hair on the side and add waves/curls. Obvious highlights are not permitted. Length should at least reach your nips (with it curled).
Eyes: brows should be a shade darker than the natural hair color and not overly plucked. Be sure they aren't over-arched as this can give you a stuck up look. Eyeshadows should be neutral and contour your eyes. Eyeliner should be brown, navy, or black if you have dark hair. Curl lashes and apply two coats of mascara, waiting for the first to dry completely.
Face/Lips: wear flattering blush color, using a darker one at night. Use a lipliner closely matching your natural lip color. Avoid nude/frosted lip color.
Skin: always wash makeup off. Use a moisturizer even with oily skin. Stay hydrated and exfoliate. Powder shiny areas. Skin should be toned and you should exercise (no cellulite). Big boobs...flatish butt okay, as long as everything is toned and you got tig ol bitties.
Makeup: be sure to blend everything for a natural look. The key words: healthy, natural, vibrant
Interesting to me how they are supposed to look "natural" with all those platinum blondes that have dark eyebrows. I can't wait to get boobs and to grow this hair out. I REALLY hope that I can get the color fixed at the salon!!! In about a year and a half I can get my nose job! The hardest part is being patient. It's really all I can think about.
Hair: hair should be styled as if you were going out on a really fancy date. Get your hair trimmed every other month. Color should be natural and suit your skin tone. It should always be styled but not with excessive products. Thin hair should be volumized, as well as long hair. If you have a low hairline, part hair on the side and add waves/curls. Obvious highlights are not permitted. Length should at least reach your nips (with it curled).
Eyes: brows should be a shade darker than the natural hair color and not overly plucked. Be sure they aren't over-arched as this can give you a stuck up look. Eyeshadows should be neutral and contour your eyes. Eyeliner should be brown, navy, or black if you have dark hair. Curl lashes and apply two coats of mascara, waiting for the first to dry completely.
Face/Lips: wear flattering blush color, using a darker one at night. Use a lipliner closely matching your natural lip color. Avoid nude/frosted lip color.
Skin: always wash makeup off. Use a moisturizer even with oily skin. Stay hydrated and exfoliate. Powder shiny areas. Skin should be toned and you should exercise (no cellulite). Big boobs...flatish butt okay, as long as everything is toned and you got tig ol bitties.
Makeup: be sure to blend everything for a natural look. The key words: healthy, natural, vibrant
Interesting to me how they are supposed to look "natural" with all those platinum blondes that have dark eyebrows. I can't wait to get boobs and to grow this hair out. I REALLY hope that I can get the color fixed at the salon!!! In about a year and a half I can get my nose job! The hardest part is being patient. It's really all I can think about.
Wednesday, January 18, 2012
Same shit, different day
I went to a "hippie" store downtown to buy some cute imported jewelry and look for clothes. Turns out I am a lot more picky than I assume I am. I kept trying to make myself like certain things but I kept being drawn to things that looked tidy and put together. I ended up buying dangly earring that had dragonflies on them. I have also decided to grow out my bangs as well. That makes me sad, since I want to grow it out long but it would be easier if I keep getting regular trims. That way it won't seem like such a pain in the ass and to make the bangs not seem so much shorter than the rest.
I have to do a damn book presentation tomorrow and I'm gonna wing it, which is never a good idea for someone like me that sucks at public speaking. I really want that swimsuit from Target that is leopard print with turquoise colors. I don't give a shit if my man doesn't like animal print. If it makes me feel sexy, that is all that matters.
I can't wait for spring clothes to be on sale. I am so over winter shit. It is so ugly in comparison. My man mentioned buying me laser hair removal for my armpits this summer...not sure how effective or painful it is. But as a pale skinned brunette with DARK hair, it sounds great. I HATE not feeling comfortable in summer clothes because when I lift my arms, it looks like I have 5 oclock shadow even if I just shaved.
I am drinking wine (although I am more of a beer fan) and I am happy as fuck. It is wonderful. I have been bitchy and depressed for a few months since I hate college and hate the gloomy weather. Today it was fuckin 12 degrees with the wind chill! I'm not used to that around here.
I am SO happy. GAHHHHH happyyyyy!!!!! This is unusual for me. I think I need to start drinking wine more often. I am so tired of hard alcohol. Just thinking about it makes me feel sorta sick.
I cannot stop eating. But it is wonderful. I love to eat. The cat is spazzing out and it is so funny. My bitchy roommate is pouting and that is funny too! I love Busta Rhymes.
I don't know if I have ever been happier. Life, for now, is perfect.
I could easily become an alcoholic.
I have to do a damn book presentation tomorrow and I'm gonna wing it, which is never a good idea for someone like me that sucks at public speaking. I really want that swimsuit from Target that is leopard print with turquoise colors. I don't give a shit if my man doesn't like animal print. If it makes me feel sexy, that is all that matters.
I can't wait for spring clothes to be on sale. I am so over winter shit. It is so ugly in comparison. My man mentioned buying me laser hair removal for my armpits this summer...not sure how effective or painful it is. But as a pale skinned brunette with DARK hair, it sounds great. I HATE not feeling comfortable in summer clothes because when I lift my arms, it looks like I have 5 oclock shadow even if I just shaved.
I am drinking wine (although I am more of a beer fan) and I am happy as fuck. It is wonderful. I have been bitchy and depressed for a few months since I hate college and hate the gloomy weather. Today it was fuckin 12 degrees with the wind chill! I'm not used to that around here.
I am SO happy. GAHHHHH happyyyyy!!!!! This is unusual for me. I think I need to start drinking wine more often. I am so tired of hard alcohol. Just thinking about it makes me feel sorta sick.
I cannot stop eating. But it is wonderful. I love to eat. The cat is spazzing out and it is so funny. My bitchy roommate is pouting and that is funny too! I love Busta Rhymes.
I don't know if I have ever been happier. Life, for now, is perfect.
I could easily become an alcoholic.
First post, Jan 18, 2012
The purpose of this blog is to put down all my random strange irrational thoughts so they don't harrass me throughout the day. If you want to read it feel free, but I don't expect to have any followers.
That said, the following has been on my mind lately:
I hate winter. I hate having no motivation to do any of my assignments. I hate being cold and feeling tired all the time. I hate dry flakey winter skin. I hate not feeling motivated to look nice.
I hate living with roommates. I guess everyone does... but hopefully in a year I will be living with my man and we will have saved up enough $ for a good down payment on a house.
Speaking of him, I am so glad we aren't married yet. We are 22 and 24, and the longer we put it off the less I want to get married. I see so many people my age rushing into it and then being dissatisfied with their lives. I never ever want kids and everyone seems to be getting pregnant. At least 3 out of 4 pregnancies seem to be accidental. How unfortunate.
I feel a lot happier after breaking off the engagement. We just aren't ready for marriage, and I have a lot of false ideas of what marriage actually is. It doesn't seem like I'm missing out on a lot. Once we get engaged again, I really want a non-traditional ring. I want it to have peridot or green tourmaline as the center stone or accent stones. I don't like flashy rings like my first one.
I know exactly how I want my wedding to be, once I finally get around to it. Very non-traditional, which is funny because I used to be SO anal about it being as traditional as possible.
It's nice to feel like you get more in touch with yourself as you get older. You realize there are so many ideas and trends people subscribe to without giving it any thought, and then doing things that just aren't 'them'. Then they wonder why they are unhappy.
I'm not claiming to be a happy person. Not at all. But I suppose I am less persuaded and deceived by false promises of happiness. I'm finding that what really makes me happy are the things I have loved all along: art, the outdoors, pets, crafts, comfort, laughter. I am being more honest and open in my relationship and saying what I need, and not just pretending that I am content if I'm not.
I am looking forward to getting a nose job and a boob job. I could go my whole life without either, but after thinking about it for a few years, I know it would significantly improve my level of contentness with myself. I always wanted bigger boobs and a smaller nose, and if you only live once, why not have the body you have always wanted? (Within reason).
So many people seem to fuck up their lives and become unhappy adults. I'm not gonna let that happen to me. I value patience and taking a long time to make decisions. How could a person have a ton of regrets over a decision that they took months or years thinking over?
I would like to grow out my hair color, although doing so will be a huge pain in my ass. I would like it to gradually fade but idk how the hell I will go from dark reddish brown to my natural dull, light brown with no red tones. Hair has always been a losing battle, except when I was little and didn't care about what it looked like. I want it to be long, although it wouldn't flatter my long narrow face. And I am learning to do different types of braids, which is fun and looks pretty good on my flat straight hair.
I have an obsession with swimwear. I never even get the chance to wear it but I can't seem to own enough bikinis. And with my boob job, they will look that much better. I love dresses too. I really love the boho look but am afraid to try it. I have always wanted to have a cool style but all I end up owning and wearing is flats, jeans, a cami or teeshirt, and some unflattering jacket. I wish I could mix and match prints. So many people are good at pulling it off and don't even try. I need to start buying more layering pieces and not so many clingy clothes.
I would love to have a personal stylist. It's hard to dress a petite frame and not go overboard. I will always love black and white. I always tend to go for the clean lines and classic look, although I also like the boho thing. Typical of me...always loving completely contradictory things. I love to look girly. I guess by that I am trying to look attractive. I love nature inspired things.
What I want to buy is: fake gauged earrings, tribal themed clothes, faux leather jacket(!!!!), a denim jacket, cropped pants (or cuffed straight leg pants), keds, and a ton of summery dresses. I especially love tribal things. I think it is really beautiful. AE is starting to carry a lot of stuff like that. I wish more stores would...or maybe I am just not shopping in the right places.
I guess it would be a lot more simple if I would just buy the key wardrobe pieces that I need...
My appearance is something I have been obsessing about lately. I'm not sure why...I guess I feel depressed with school and the thought of having new clothes and looking better are appealing. I have a love/hate thing with girls that are pretty and have their shit together. I always get caught up thinking I have to fit the standards of certain looks. But really I can combine them. I can still dress nicely and in basic clothes but jazz it up with boho jewelry/dresses and wear my hair up in a messy bun with a few braids thrown in there. Gotta grow out my color anyway. I really do love my color, but keeping up with it is such a pain. It's gonna be rough growing it out...I JUST dyed it. :(
I know there are a lot more important things I should be focusing on than my appearance, buuuut.....it's hard to think of anything else. It's just where my mind always goes when I am stressed and don't wanna think about anything else.
That's all I have on my mind for now. Well, I am also wishing my friends stayed in touch with me better, but I know it's hard to do when life gets busy. I am trying to free myself from a stalker friend but it isn't working. This always happens to me. EFF.
That said, the following has been on my mind lately:
I hate winter. I hate having no motivation to do any of my assignments. I hate being cold and feeling tired all the time. I hate dry flakey winter skin. I hate not feeling motivated to look nice.
I hate living with roommates. I guess everyone does... but hopefully in a year I will be living with my man and we will have saved up enough $ for a good down payment on a house.
Speaking of him, I am so glad we aren't married yet. We are 22 and 24, and the longer we put it off the less I want to get married. I see so many people my age rushing into it and then being dissatisfied with their lives. I never ever want kids and everyone seems to be getting pregnant. At least 3 out of 4 pregnancies seem to be accidental. How unfortunate.
I feel a lot happier after breaking off the engagement. We just aren't ready for marriage, and I have a lot of false ideas of what marriage actually is. It doesn't seem like I'm missing out on a lot. Once we get engaged again, I really want a non-traditional ring. I want it to have peridot or green tourmaline as the center stone or accent stones. I don't like flashy rings like my first one.
I know exactly how I want my wedding to be, once I finally get around to it. Very non-traditional, which is funny because I used to be SO anal about it being as traditional as possible.
It's nice to feel like you get more in touch with yourself as you get older. You realize there are so many ideas and trends people subscribe to without giving it any thought, and then doing things that just aren't 'them'. Then they wonder why they are unhappy.
I'm not claiming to be a happy person. Not at all. But I suppose I am less persuaded and deceived by false promises of happiness. I'm finding that what really makes me happy are the things I have loved all along: art, the outdoors, pets, crafts, comfort, laughter. I am being more honest and open in my relationship and saying what I need, and not just pretending that I am content if I'm not.
I am looking forward to getting a nose job and a boob job. I could go my whole life without either, but after thinking about it for a few years, I know it would significantly improve my level of contentness with myself. I always wanted bigger boobs and a smaller nose, and if you only live once, why not have the body you have always wanted? (Within reason).
So many people seem to fuck up their lives and become unhappy adults. I'm not gonna let that happen to me. I value patience and taking a long time to make decisions. How could a person have a ton of regrets over a decision that they took months or years thinking over?
I would like to grow out my hair color, although doing so will be a huge pain in my ass. I would like it to gradually fade but idk how the hell I will go from dark reddish brown to my natural dull, light brown with no red tones. Hair has always been a losing battle, except when I was little and didn't care about what it looked like. I want it to be long, although it wouldn't flatter my long narrow face. And I am learning to do different types of braids, which is fun and looks pretty good on my flat straight hair.
I have an obsession with swimwear. I never even get the chance to wear it but I can't seem to own enough bikinis. And with my boob job, they will look that much better. I love dresses too. I really love the boho look but am afraid to try it. I have always wanted to have a cool style but all I end up owning and wearing is flats, jeans, a cami or teeshirt, and some unflattering jacket. I wish I could mix and match prints. So many people are good at pulling it off and don't even try. I need to start buying more layering pieces and not so many clingy clothes.
I would love to have a personal stylist. It's hard to dress a petite frame and not go overboard. I will always love black and white. I always tend to go for the clean lines and classic look, although I also like the boho thing. Typical of me...always loving completely contradictory things. I love to look girly. I guess by that I am trying to look attractive. I love nature inspired things.
What I want to buy is: fake gauged earrings, tribal themed clothes, faux leather jacket(!!!!), a denim jacket, cropped pants (or cuffed straight leg pants), keds, and a ton of summery dresses. I especially love tribal things. I think it is really beautiful. AE is starting to carry a lot of stuff like that. I wish more stores would...or maybe I am just not shopping in the right places.
I guess it would be a lot more simple if I would just buy the key wardrobe pieces that I need...
My appearance is something I have been obsessing about lately. I'm not sure why...I guess I feel depressed with school and the thought of having new clothes and looking better are appealing. I have a love/hate thing with girls that are pretty and have their shit together. I always get caught up thinking I have to fit the standards of certain looks. But really I can combine them. I can still dress nicely and in basic clothes but jazz it up with boho jewelry/dresses and wear my hair up in a messy bun with a few braids thrown in there. Gotta grow out my color anyway. I really do love my color, but keeping up with it is such a pain. It's gonna be rough growing it out...I JUST dyed it. :(
I know there are a lot more important things I should be focusing on than my appearance, buuuut.....it's hard to think of anything else. It's just where my mind always goes when I am stressed and don't wanna think about anything else.
That's all I have on my mind for now. Well, I am also wishing my friends stayed in touch with me better, but I know it's hard to do when life gets busy. I am trying to free myself from a stalker friend but it isn't working. This always happens to me. EFF.
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