The purpose of this blog is to put down all my random strange irrational thoughts so they don't harrass me throughout the day. If you want to read it feel free, but I don't expect to have any followers.
That said, the following has been on my mind lately:
I hate winter. I hate having no motivation to do any of my assignments. I hate being cold and feeling tired all the time. I hate dry flakey winter skin. I hate not feeling motivated to look nice.
I hate living with roommates. I guess everyone does... but hopefully in a year I will be living with my man and we will have saved up enough $ for a good down payment on a house.
Speaking of him, I am so glad we aren't married yet. We are 22 and 24, and the longer we put it off the less I want to get married. I see so many people my age rushing into it and then being dissatisfied with their lives. I never ever want kids and everyone seems to be getting pregnant. At least 3 out of 4 pregnancies seem to be accidental. How unfortunate.
I feel a lot happier after breaking off the engagement. We just aren't ready for marriage, and I have a lot of false ideas of what marriage actually is. It doesn't seem like I'm missing out on a lot. Once we get engaged again, I really want a non-traditional ring. I want it to have peridot or green tourmaline as the center stone or accent stones. I don't like flashy rings like my first one.
I know exactly how I want my wedding to be, once I finally get around to it. Very non-traditional, which is funny because I used to be SO anal about it being as traditional as possible.
It's nice to feel like you get more in touch with yourself as you get older. You realize there are so many ideas and trends people subscribe to without giving it any thought, and then doing things that just aren't 'them'. Then they wonder why they are unhappy.
I'm not claiming to be a happy person. Not at all. But I suppose I am less persuaded and deceived by false promises of happiness. I'm finding that what really makes me happy are the things I have loved all along: art, the outdoors, pets, crafts, comfort, laughter. I am being more honest and open in my relationship and saying what I need, and not just pretending that I am content if I'm not.
I am looking forward to getting a nose job and a boob job. I could go my whole life without either, but after thinking about it for a few years, I know it would significantly improve my level of contentness with myself. I always wanted bigger boobs and a smaller nose, and if you only live once, why not have the body you have always wanted? (Within reason).
So many people seem to fuck up their lives and become unhappy adults. I'm not gonna let that happen to me. I value patience and taking a long time to make decisions. How could a person have a ton of regrets over a decision that they took months or years thinking over?
I would like to grow out my hair color, although doing so will be a huge pain in my ass. I would like it to gradually fade but idk how the hell I will go from dark reddish brown to my natural dull, light brown with no red tones. Hair has always been a losing battle, except when I was little and didn't care about what it looked like. I want it to be long, although it wouldn't flatter my long narrow face. And I am learning to do different types of braids, which is fun and looks pretty good on my flat straight hair.
I have an obsession with swimwear. I never even get the chance to wear it but I can't seem to own enough bikinis. And with my boob job, they will look that much better. I love dresses too. I really love the boho look but am afraid to try it. I have always wanted to have a cool style but all I end up owning and wearing is flats, jeans, a cami or teeshirt, and some unflattering jacket. I wish I could mix and match prints. So many people are good at pulling it off and don't even try. I need to start buying more layering pieces and not so many clingy clothes.
I would love to have a personal stylist. It's hard to dress a petite frame and not go overboard. I will always love black and white. I always tend to go for the clean lines and classic look, although I also like the boho thing. Typical of me...always loving completely contradictory things. I love to look girly. I guess by that I am trying to look attractive. I love nature inspired things.
What I want to buy is: fake gauged earrings, tribal themed clothes, faux leather jacket(!!!!), a denim jacket, cropped pants (or cuffed straight leg pants), keds, and a ton of summery dresses. I especially love tribal things. I think it is really beautiful. AE is starting to carry a lot of stuff like that. I wish more stores would...or maybe I am just not shopping in the right places.
I guess it would be a lot more simple if I would just buy the key wardrobe pieces that I need...
My appearance is something I have been obsessing about lately. I'm not sure why...I guess I feel depressed with school and the thought of having new clothes and looking better are appealing. I have a love/hate thing with girls that are pretty and have their shit together. I always get caught up thinking I have to fit the standards of certain looks. But really I can combine them. I can still dress nicely and in basic clothes but jazz it up with boho jewelry/dresses and wear my hair up in a messy bun with a few braids thrown in there. Gotta grow out my color anyway. I really do love my color, but keeping up with it is such a pain. It's gonna be rough growing it out...I JUST dyed it. :(
I know there are a lot more important things I should be focusing on than my appearance, buuuut.....it's hard to think of anything else. It's just where my mind always goes when I am stressed and don't wanna think about anything else.
That's all I have on my mind for now. Well, I am also wishing my friends stayed in touch with me better, but I know it's hard to do when life gets busy. I am trying to free myself from a stalker friend but it isn't working. This always happens to me. EFF.
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