I hope to always look good. I'm happy that I don't abuse my skin in the sun. A lot of girls my age have crows feet. One of my roommates is less than a month older than me but she looks at least 7 years older. I am nowhere close to being a pageant princess... I actually find myself to be fairly unattractive. But I think with time things are looking better. I'd rather it went this way because a lot of the beauties in high school already had their peak and are on the decline. Graduation was only 4 years ago too! In my case, I'm not concerned. Nothing a little plastic surgery can't fix.
Today was a rough day. Hormonal and sleep deprived...I was angry and antisocial and insecure. And I will be pulling another all nighter doing 2 essays due tomorrow. This shit is killing me. Sometimes I drive myself crazy and the voice narrating in my head is obnoxious. I'm not very comfortable in my own skin yet and it's like I'm stuck with an uninvited mental roommate. That roommate was a lot quieter and easygoing when I was a kid. Now she's borderline crazy. Telling me I can be lazy, constantly reminding me of things I don't want to remember, comparing me to other people, and forming assumptions and conclusions based on whatever mood I'm in at the moment.
When I was younger and played outside alone, I never felt lonely. I felt like there was another bigger presence, a deeper meaning. I was looking toward the future with so many hopes and dreams and questions. It's as if back then I was reaching out and calling to my future self, trying to make sense of things. And here I am as an adult, desperately searching in all the wrong places to find that place of comfort and security and timelessness. Escaping time. That was and is my pursuit. I feel so empty inside like I lost what I once was, who I once was. I miss me. I miss the way I viewed the world and myself before I got so damn critical of everything. I miss love and hope and fascination and companionship and freedom. Is this why I condemn children? Because I am jealous of them and heartbroken that I cannot age backwards and be back in that world they are presently in?
I need to be like Wendy. I love her outlook on life and how easily she transitions into make believe worlds. The wrinkles on her face don't match up with her spirit. She is so wise but so open to learning something new and taking on a different perspective every day. Time is cruel, as well as adulthood. The way the world works. I don't want to learn more. I don't want to advance in cognitive development. Sometimes I feel like I am going crazy, the way I mourn the passing of my childhood...how it slipped away from me like a breath of air.
I feel so small and afraid of facing every day. Maybe there's something wrong with me...but aren't we all made to believe that? Have feelings of inadequacy to constantly second guess ourselves? I just want to hide and don't want anyone to look at me. Strange, in a way, how I want plastic surgery to improve my looks when I can't stand the feeling of a stranger's eyes scanning my appearance.
I have a lot on my mind....as well as a lot of stress. I wish someone else could be inside my world and that it wasn't just that solo mental roommate. Feeling alone and misunderstood is one of the most painful things you can feel. I keep wishing I would find that friend but it seems to be nothing more than a wish. My man loves me and we are good for each other, but we are so different and he has a hard time experiencing the world as I do, which is fine. But I always want a deeper level of understanding from him. Discontentment. That is what I (and other adults) experience daily.
Time to go and shower...I have less than 8 hours to do a 6 page essay. It will be done and work out fine. I just need to do the damn thing and after all my classes tomorrow, I can sleep until the next day. What a blessing that we have the chance to revive ourselves and that the Universe grants us the mercy to do so.
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