Today one of my friends said that she wishes she could redo high school. Sometimes I feel the same way. I was very antisocial (sort of like I am now) and part of me wishes I had been a cheerleader. I know that ultimately that's not at all what I would have wanted. The girls that were on the team were superficial stuck up bitches. But I do like their outfits and warm ups and the clean white shoes. They look so put together and pretty.
But you know, I'm a work in progress. I can't look the way I want to overnight. This is all gonna take time: correct the hair color, grow my layers and bangs out, buy flattering clothes, laser hair removal, get a nose job, get a boob job... that's the order. It will probably all take 4 years or so...honestly, that's gonna go by fast. And eventually I will get a job so I'll be able to afford the clothes I want. I also need to learn how to style my hair and I need to buy real makeup brushes. I want to be a trophy, not just for him but for me. I've always wanted to be the pretty girl...shit, who hasn't? I won't be a mean one though. I want people to like me.
Right now I am a 34AA/A, depending on the brand. I would love to be a 34C. I want my implants to not be too big, because I want all my clothes to fit me and not have to buy larger sizes just to accommodate my boobs, because I don't have enough ass or hips to be a medium. I might need to start tanning too, since my skin is translucent and you can see all my veins. I hate the veins in my hands, legs, and the large one on my right boob. Unfortunately, implants will stretch it out and make that more noticable. I am so excited to have enough tit mass to make cleavage.
When we get a home, I want to get into gardening and landscaping. I want to grow vegetables and berries and flowers for our bees and the butterflies. I want to grow herbs and I want something beautiful to grow every season...especially during the sad winter months. I want there to be places outside to stop and read a book, or to take a nap. I want little fairy gardens. I want it to feel magical. We will have rain barrels and compost. I would love to hire a master gardener or a landscape person to help me with the layout of the land and what type of soils I need and what plants will grow here. There will be a bird bath and bird feeders. We might have a greenhouse.
The front of the house will have mostly decorative plants and grassy open areas if DJ wants to play football or something, or if the kids want to come over and run around. I would like the back yard to be more intimate though. I would love to have lots of flowers with a strong fragrance, like lilac and hyacinth. Roses too. And wisteria...I love climbing plants. And kiwi for shade. The bird feeders will be far away from the berries so they won't eat them all. Nasturtiums are lovely plants as well, and edible. I want hops for climbing plants and for homemade beer :)
It will all come together so nicely. It will be a learning experience, probably have a lot of setbacks and unintended results, but it will be great to have our own place. I am starting to evolve my Environmental Ed philosophy and my general philosophy on life: humans need beauty. We seek beauty and crave it, and perceive it in all sorts of ways. I need a home surrounded by natural beauty. I need it to be beautiful all year round.
I live in an 8b growing zone, apparently...or will. That means the coldest the temp will drop is from 15-20 degrees F. My state tree is the Western Hemlock and the flower is the Coastal Rhododendron. I want to plant a lot of native things that are adapted to the soil, because they require little to no fertilizer. Broccoli should be grown indoors for a couple of months before being transplanted outside b/c it takes time to get established. They should be in the ground 2 weeks before the last frost. Around this time, also plant early potatoes, carrots, beets and chard. In mid-March, plant lettuce, peas, spinach, and onions. The last frost date in early/mid April, plant tomatoes, eggplant, squash and corn.
It is very important for a garden to have good drainage, especially where there is a lot of rain. Roses, beans, peppers, basil, and cucumbers also grow well in the 8b growing zone.
I really hope he gets those books in the mail soon, and that he'll enjoy them. I would love for us to start reading together. Although I don't like kids much, I think it would be nice if our place could be a sort of sanctuary for the kids when they need a place to balance themselves out. It can be a place for them to hang out. I would like some sort of greenhouse/gardenhouse with a few comfy couches and a chandelier and some electricity for running heat or a fan and some light if they wanted to read a book. I want 3 chickens too. No more, no less. I don't want too many b/c I don't want to be overrun with eggs, but I don't want them to be lonely. I don't think I could raise them for food...killing them would be too hard.
I'm looking forward to moving on with my life. The college scene is starting to bore me...the weed alters my reality and turns me into someone else. The alcohol makes my head fuzzy and leaves me stuck in bed the next day. The partying is just for show and it leaves me feeling emptier than I was before. The all nighters cramming for exams and scrambling to finish papers wreak havoc on my body and mind. I want something more tangible and something that is more me.
I want to get back into art again. Photography, hiking, doing crafts, reading, bubble baths, movies, spending quality time with my friends and my family. I'm gonna learn how to cook. I would love to take dance lessons...and art ones too. I'm getting tired of being everything I'm not...reminds me of the Kanye song that says "everything I'm not made me everything I am". What a beautiful quote. It didn't used to make sense to me but now it does.
At the end of the day, all we want is to be happy, and what could replace your unique interests and talents? We want to submerge ourselves in what we like, but we try to hard to put on a show that we lose ourselves and wonder why we sometimes cry in the shower or right before we go to sleep.
I am making 2012 about finding myself and what makes me happy; about seeing past illusions. It seems like such an easy thing to do but it really isn't. One day at a time.
No comments:
Post a Comment