Dying young

I know a girl that graduated with my man, and she has been battling cancer for the past two years. Just today I found out that the doctor told the mom that it has become terminal, and the girl decided to move home to spend the rest of her time with family. I don't know her very well but she had such a great laugh and was so sweet. I hope I can see her before she goes...everyone keeps saying they are praying for a miracle, but I figure God already knows what He wants, so it seems pointless to me to pray for a specific outcome.

This will be (unless things improve) the second funeral I will go to for someone from high school...from my man's class. It's incredibly sad. Sometimes I feel almost guilty for being healthy and living without much appreciation. It makes me really look at my own life differently and see that there is so much I have to be thankful for. I need to stop complaining and take each day as a gift and be thankful for my health. I am going to flourish, not just live. I am going to be the best I can be, and love with as much openness and honesty as I can. I want to improve the lives of those I meet. I want my man to feel as complete and loved as possible.

I am against religion but believe in God and in Jesus. Does that instantly buy me a ticket to hell? I hope not. It seems irrational. And how can Christians ignore nature? Is that not where we connect with God? Interacting with His handiwork and the gifts he gave to us, to be responsible for it? I belive that greed is the root of all evil. Sacrifice is the ultimate good. They are polar opposites. Greed is not kind and doesn't care for anyone else. Sacrifice gives everything away for the benefit of another. I feel the presence of a higher being when I'm in nature, but seldom in church. That is how it has always been...does that make me evil?

All I know for now is that the future looks beautiful, and I am ready to settle down. I don't think my opinions regarding having children will ever change, but I am not afraid of getting married anymore. I've got nesting syndrome. I'm mellowing out and it feels right, not rushed like before. I'm 22, still a baby I think, but my brain is reaching the end of its maturing phase. I've still got a few more years left for that though. I am just to a point where I feel like I will be genuinely happy no matter the outcome. I need to just make sure that I am always pursuing what is beautiful and what makes me feel like myself.

I can't believe how much love I had in front of me all those years but didn't really see it. I'm glad he stuck around long enough for my mind to mature and for me to show him the love he truly deserves. I will never go and fuck things up ever again. But then sometimes I wonder if that's what it truly took for me to realize how lucky I am and that there isn't anything else I need...that it was all in my head.
Regardless, I am forever thankful to be where I am today, and it may not have turned out this way if everything in the past hadn't happened. That doesn't excuse it at all, but I can't keep beating myself up over it. I need to move on and focus on my relationship and making it the best it can be, and on myself as well.

A lot of times it feels like I am supposed to know exactly what I want right now, but life is a journey and your views on yourself and on life change the whole time you are living...it might take certain experiences to lead you to a new realization. I have received so much, it's really time that I give, and give my all.
I'm not afraid anymore to do so.