I keep reading about how there will be no such thing as retirement by 2036. It makes me feel petty for wanting cosmetic procedures. I must finish school with a good GPA. I really need to try to get hired at the shipyard. Nothing will be more stable than a government job, especially related to national security.
I need to give it my best because life is a competition. Especially when there are too many people in the world that all have needs. I need to look into what the shipyard wants and how I can meet those requirements. I also need to figure out when they have job fairs, and to learn how to use multiple programs on a computer. It may seem like a hassle but it's very important that I do so.
I need to remember my priorities above all: food water shelter. I would like to grow vegetables and have DJ hunt for deer. I'm not so worried about water...and we need to have a home and choose wisely so it won't lose any value over time. We will both be sterilized I think. I can't bear the thought of bringing a child into this messed up crazy world.
Some days I feel really alone, but at the same time I feel like I am trapped or impatient for solitude if I spend time with friends. I feel like former close friends like Lauren and Christen have all but abandoned me and don't really care about me anymore. I feel like no one wants to be my friend anymore. I know that's not the case but sometimes the feeling is very hard to shake. I feel like everything and everyone is slipping away from me, like sand through my fingers.
The think I am grateful for the most is that I didn't lose my man during a time when I believed we weren't "meant to be". Even when things were at their worst, I didn't understand how I could ever want to get rid of the person that treated me the best and did everything for me, and loved me beyond my flaws. I want to be his forever. "Everybody's changing, there's no one left that's real..."
What does it take to have a reliable, trustworthy friend these days?!? I am offended that Lauren is bff's with Hillary now. I am offended that Nichole goes in her room and closes the door when I am out here wanting some company. I am offended that none of my friends check in on me. My heart feels broken...I want the sleepovers and movie nights. I guess the older you get, the more your life takes on its own unique direction. I feel alone but all I want is solitude. I am such a hypocrite. I often wish to be a child again, to be happy and carefree and imaginative again. To have my dog and cat be alive again. To be back in that other world...a world that has passed. But is it gone forever? Is it something that can be recreated? To feel more in touch with a magical spiritual world. I never felt alone then...well, I guess I did. That is why I had imaginary friends. I guess I am still in need of them now too. I need Ana...but she needs another name....another face.
Some know her as Karma, but she is more often called BreBre or Breezy. She is sweet and creative and calm. She is here to remind me that what actions I take now will determine my future. The effort I put into my relationship will determine how satisfied I will be with it. The effort I put into my schoolwork will determine how satisfied I will be with it. The moisturizer I put on today will prevent the wrinkles tomorrow. Looking ahead for job opportunities will prepare me for the transition into a secure work force. She advised me to look into surgeons to know who will give me the best results. She is telling me to go out tonight with Steph so that our friendship will be stronger. She knows that I am stubborn and focus too much on petty things, like what I want to buy to improve my appearance, even though I am too lazy to dress nicely.
She is telling me that I am wasting time. But she is here for me, reminding me that Ana was a bad friend. One that was stuck up and just pretended to have my best interests at heart. She wants to give me advice and to console me, to help lead me into being happier and successful. She is gonna help me now, telling me that she looks just like I did when I was younger. She is me as a child, with long scraggly golden brown hair and big blue eyes. She wants me to be able to recreate a place similar to the home we grew up in...a place where one can lose a sense of time and play pretend all day. In order to reach that goal, I have to make some smart decisions right now.
She is able to understand my adult perspectives, but still sees the world through a child's eyes. She wants us to have pets to be our siblings. She wants to play dress up and make believe and climb trees and look for bugs. She agrees that my man is very handsome. I see BreBre as another person, but when I am doing everything right, she is in me and I see through her eyes. I've kept RattleCat for her, and for me.
Time to go, BreBre wants to help me figure out a lesson plan for 6th graders that they'll really like, then we will get ready to spend time with Steph.
(Call me crazy, but for now it feels right).
No comments:
Post a Comment